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Breakup Etiquette: Dividing Your Friends
The relationship may be over, but what to do with pals you still share?
by Vanessa Voltolina
Mutual friends are plentiful while you are in a romantic relationship—a recent study shows 63% of married couples met through just such a network. But what happens to them if the two of you call it quits? Suddenly these same friends you once called for coffee and double dates could be called on by your ex to trash-talk you.
“My ex and I didn’t talk about how we were going to divvy it up, but I think it was important that neither of us made our friends choose,” says Melissa, 23, about a messy breakup. “I know that he badmouthed me the summer after we broke up, which made one or two of our mutual friends shun me. But I actually did have some of our mutual friends say to me, ‘we love you, but is it okay if we are still friends with Mike, too?’”
After the initial pain of the break up subsides, many couples wonder if it’s possible to “share” mutual friends with an ex. But is joint ownership a sound strategy? The answer: It depends.
“The cause of the breakup is very important,” says Catherine Sanderson, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at Amherst College who researches close relationships. “Infidelity is more difficult for people to cope with than, say, a mutual breakup. If the couple started as friends with similar interests and one had to move for business, they are more likely to be acquaintances and maintain mutual friendship after the separation.”
And it all depends on who you’re trying to stay friends with. “The mutual friends that are most influenced are newer friends, ‘couple’ friends, because they are asked to choose sides,” says Sanderson. Mary, 47, experienced this firsthand when she and her husband divorced.
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1 The Truth About Moving in Together // May 30, 2008 at 2:44 pm
[…] my point of view, our friends and plans were already tightly intertwined, and we were well past big conversations about […]
2 zane // Apr 3, 2008 at 2:41 pm
ok listen my ex broke up with me and my bestest freind asked her out on the same day she broke up with me and he didnt even tell me im pissed and i wanna know how to split there as$es up please help add me on yahoo messenger behemoth_rocks_9998
3 DAD // Jan 31, 2008 at 11:59 am
Vanessa,
You are not only smart but beautiful!
4 evan mathews // Jan 31, 2008 at 8:28 am
If there is a breakup between people I know, I hide. I am so sick and tired of the blubbering, especially from women. The crying is kinda like this, “Oh I knew he was a jerk but I married him because I knew I could fix him”. Got news for you. If you marry a jerk, he or she probably will remain a jerk. You don’t “fix” someone.
5 JonnyHairdont // Jan 30, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Yeah, I know people that would rather just move away than deal with it. Across town at the least.
Read All 9 Comments on Breakup Etiquette: Dividing Your Friends