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Marriage Without Monogamy
One couple's alternative to traditional vows? A legally binding contract.
by Dan Eldridge
Our hero gets engaged to the girl of his dreams, a friend of a friend who just so happens to hate the concept of marriage, and who prefers the convenience of an open relationship. Here, an introduction to their not-so-traditional first encounters.
It’s just after midnight, and I’m huddled into a bar booth next to Ray, an old college friend who has lately become my very frequent drinking buddy. Ray and I went to the same state school in Pittsburgh, and although we both fled town almost as soon as we graduated–Ray went to New York City and then L.A., while I lived in San Francisco and Seattle–for various reasons, we’ve both moved back. Neither one of us is especially pleased with the way our adult lives are turning out. And that’s probably why we both end up at dive bars three or four times a week, bullshitting about college, and guessing at the fortunes of our old friends–especially the ones we haven’t heard from in 10 years.
But tonight, Ray and I have company: Michael and Carrie, a couple I’ve been hearing about for ages now, and who supposedly have an open relationship. Michael and Ray were friends back in school as well, and for months now, Ray has been regaling me with stories about their college-day exploits. They were obsessed with hip-hop at the time, and on occasion they would dress up in hoodies and baggy jeans, and descend upon the city at night with stolen spray paint cans and giant Sharpie markers, prepared to carve their tags onto every blank surface in sight.
But that was ages ago, of course. Ten years. These days, Ray is much more into real estate and designer suits, which is probably why we get along so well. But lately, Ray has been dropping warnings to me about Michael, who apparently still fancies himself something of a thug–the type of guy who doesn’t hesitate to throw a punch when someone looks at him sideways.
I have a bit of a reputation myself: I’m the type of guy who likes to hit on girls who already have boyfriends. I’ve never really understood why I do it. But ever since I first laid eyes on Carrie at a house party, I wanted nothing more than to devour her whole. She was beyond gorgeous, and by the way she confidently strutted her way through a room, she obviously knew it. And then when Ray told me about her long-term boyfriend–six years!–and about the fact that they both sometimes slept with other people, I could literally picture myself sinking my teeth into the back of her neck, and drawing blood.
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1 t // Apr 11, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I guess I don’t understand why you and Carrie are going through all of this hassle. You’re not getting married. You’re not even dating exclusively. So why are you bothering with the joint accounts, the joint businesses and the “life partner” ceremony? Just date each other, and date others as well. Simple as that.
It sounds like you’re going through an awful lot of hassle to pretend that your relationship is something that both of you know it isn’t. Just date each other and date others as well. No fuss, no muss.
2 Jalena // Apr 11, 2008 at 9:19 am
I predict that in a few short years you will go the way of Michael - or vice versa, as you each find people new people that give you the emotional highs you relish in the newness of a relationship. Why else would you be open to sex with someone other than your “life partner” than to fulfill your primal urge?
3 The Daily Bedpost weighs in on Tango’s Marriage Without Monogamy column, again « The Labor Party // Mar 27, 2008 at 10:37 am
[…] known as Em & Lo have weighed in on the relationship I’ve been recently chronicling for TangoMag.com. Apparently, a good friend of Em & Lo’s accused them of having an anti-open relationship […]
4 Beauty Marks // Mar 27, 2008 at 7:33 am
[…] as her physical characteristics, rather than her writing or opinions. Our own contributors, like “Marriage Without Monogamy” writer Dan Eldridge, have experienced this mean-spirited jabbing, which seems so much easier when […]
5 PaulVan2008 // Mar 26, 2008 at 7:51 pm
“Having children is what makes life rewarding in the long term.”
Well, for some people, yes. For others (growing in numbers, according to Pew Research), it is becoming less important as the holy grail of happiness. Sorry to say that some of the most recent surveys of married people indicate their “unhappiest” time together is while they are raising teenage children. Their reported happiness trends upward after the little darlings leave home.
Likewise, for men at least, a very recent survey showed the trough of their satisfaction with their lives was around age 44 - precisely when most are married and raising children (often for the second time in a second marriage).
So, Anna, methinks thou hast gone a bit too far.
If you believe in your anthropologists, then you perhaps believe that monogamy is natural for human beings, i.e., we tend to have intimate relationships (”marriage” if you will) with one person at a time. Monogamy, however, is not to be confused with sexual fidelity. On that count, both men and women (where they are not burned or stoned for the crime) are not famous for their faithfulness. Perhaps it is only fair to say that being sexually faithful to a partner is “natural” for something like 50% of the population - and for the remainder, it is not.
I suppose the question is whether or not we should be striving for sexual fidelity as a human goal. Evolution and natural selection clearly did not favor such a trait, but this does not mean we cannot make a collective decision that it represents a moral high ground.
My problem is, I really don’t see how it qualifies as a moral high ground. More often than not, it simply reinforces our childhood indoctrination in one monotheistic religion or the other. If you don’t subscribe to the sky-fairy version of human creation and purpose, then what problems are we left with?
1.) Unplanned or unwanted pregnancy
2.) Sexually transmitted diseases
3.) The emotions of sexual jealousy and betrayal
The first two, while not entirely conquered yet by modern technology, certainly will be. Contraception can be nearly 100% effective even with the tools we have available today. In the future, more than likely, both men and women will have very reliable, low overhead methods of contraception available.
Concerning STDs, again, I would guess we are no more than 10 to 20 years away from either near 100% effective vaccines, or therapies that make the contraction of STDs no more threatening than the common cold.
That will leave us with the toughest knot of all - the emotions of sexual jealousy.
If Dan, Carrie, or anyone else has made a conscious decision to ignore or at least actively question their feelings of sexual jealousy as a means to preserve an important relationship, then I have a hard time understanding why anyone would object?
As usual, in this world, why can it not be that unless we see harm being done to others, we are at worst neutral, and at best supportive of our fellow homo sapiens?
Isn’t something like “live and let live”?
Anna, the world is not dangerously underpopulated. Let’s hope that we can find meaning and purpose without the requirement that all of us reproduce and raise children to adulthood. In fact, it is perhaps key to our survival as a species that we convince large numbers of people to avoid exactly that.
I would guess at least some of us are flat out “jealous” (ha) of Dan and Carrie’s good luck to have found each other. They have their friendship and mutual support, without at the same time being asked to kill off the very emotions that brought them together in the first place. That has always struck me as a square peg in a round hole.
And as far as the dire prediction of their future break up - they will likely do no worse than those who have walked down the church aisle and “promised” to stay together forever…… in other words, they have about a 50% chance of staying together for a lifetime.
Dan and Carrie, I hope we meet someday. You’re much more interesting to me than those who still think the apex of human achievement is to keep it in their pants.
Whatever.
Peace.
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