Do You Run From Love?

by Sandra Barron

My approach has people determine what they need to work on, and practice that in whatever social community suits them. That’s usually not something that happens in traditional couples therapy. That’s where I’m really hoping this provides something different.

You use the word “distancer” to describe people who avoid keep themselves from engaging fully in relationships. What is a distancer?
There are certainly a lot of people who avoid committed relationships altogether.

And I think all of us have known people—and some of us are people—who will start to get close in a relationship, and then pull away when they feel threatened or feel too vulnerable or afraid they’re going to be suffocated, or lose their autonomy.

It’s more subtle when people distance within a relationship. They’re married or with a boyfriend or girlfriend , but they’re really not there— there’s a way in which they’re holding themselves back to the point that either they or their partner is unhappy.

What are common distancing behavior patterns?
Sometimes it’s very obvious, someone who won’t talk about the way he or she feels or won’t open up sexually, but then there are a lot of other ways people do it.