Do You Run From Love?

by Sandra Barron

It might seem counterintuitive to people to start with a group to solve a problem at home.
When people try these new behaviors with the beloved and it doesn’t work out well, they give up—the more times you fail at something, the more you just kind of begin to wilt inside. That’s very true of people who feel discouraged about relationships. So, it starts with trying it in the community and then taking it back into a new attempt at being intimate.

That way, if it’s awkward and doesn’t go well at first, then they’re not as crushed.

And finally, this approach of trying out new ways of being more steady; if it’s someone who’s being approach-avoidant, saying, OK, this time, instead of starting something and running away, I’m going to get more involved in this community and stay, even when I want to run, and I’ll find out how that feels, and take that into a couple relationship.

What if someone’s problems aren’t something that it would be appropriate to take to a work or social group?
Oddly enough, it still works. For example, a woman who is very fearful sexually and vulnerable and shut down, it may be that if she starts talking about other completely different areas of vulnerability in safer groups – let’s say she tries telling friends something about herself that she has some embarrassment about. When it goes well, that’s a way in which she may be able to get more comfortable being open with her partner.

I have a young woman who has become more comfortable sexually with her partner since they started meditating and doing yoga together. She’s able to be more relaxed and more open with him in that setting, and then she’s able to feel safer with him in bed. So that would be a way of trying out vulnerability in another kind of setting instead of just saying, “Ok, I know why I distance, let’s go make love.” That’s a set up for failure.