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Porn: When It Helps & When It Hurts
Some couples use it to sex up a relationship. For others, it spells the end.
by Anne Marie O'Connor
Nowhere do you find stranger bedfellows than in porn—and I’m not even talking about the performers. Seldom do feminists, fundamentalists and the federal government find themselves on common ground, but all three are currently united in an anti-porn ménage a trois. On the other side of the issue are free-speech advocates, porn stars and the 40 million Americans who, according to Internet Filter Review, regularly visit X-rated websites.
The only thing everyone agrees on? There’s more porn now than ever, thanks to the wonders of technology.
Like most things, porn was a lot harder in the old days. Back then, getting your hands on anything steamier than Playboy required donning a pervy-looking raincoat, driving to the seamy side of town, skulking into a shop with blinking “XXX” neon lights, browsing the wares in the company of some scary characters before getting up the courage to bring your purchases to the cashier. And then you still had to sneak the plain brown bag into the house.
Now, porn is delivered instantly at the click of a button, steaming hot, right into your living room.
For some people, it’s a piquant condiment for their sex lives. “As a single woman who doesn’t have a lot of sexual partners right now, it comes in handy when my imagination isn’t up to par,” says Zoe,* a writer in New York. Her personal not-so-guilty pleasure? Erotic stories, as well as the occasional movie. “A well-written story, that takes you through all the stages of sexual arousal to orgasm, is heaven. I wouldn’t say that porn replaces real sexual experiences, but it helps when things are slow.”
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1 tinque // Oct 13, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I applaud sexpositive above, the only comment to resonate with me. It’s true that it can be addictive; it’s true that it can be used as an outlet when partner’s libidos do not coincide; it’s true that it can be used as release; it’s also true that it can be painful to discover it on one’s partner’s computer as did I three years into the relationship. Though if I had not found it as I did, to this day I would not know, for he was always very attentive, loving, so into me and us, telling me and showing me how beautiful and sexy I was all the time, and we were also highly sexual.
I realized right away that this was triggering deeper issues within me. I set out to uncover and heal those issues using various, wonderful modalities, all of which helped, and three years later, I came through to other side. I still waver at times, the old feelings of not being enough in some way rearing their ugly, little heads albeit it in diminished form, but for all intents and purposes, I have healed.
We both use porn, alone and together, but we use it to stoke the fires of our passion for each other, as a tease to be reignited at a later time, as a lovely additional something that doesn’t necessarily enhance our sex life, yet it can. Porn is not always a negative thing. I have come to embrace it and along the way embrace myself.
2 Grandpa Loves Porn // Sep 19, 2008 at 2:58 pm
[…] Of course, I do. How could I ever forget the Saturday afternoon last fall when I discovered my grandpa’s secret vice: porn. […]
3 Janie // Sep 2, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Well I am 25 and I have been married to the same man for 8 years. He is the only man I have EVER had any sexual relations with! And he watches porn ALL the time. He tried to hide it, but I found out. He denies it even when caught red handed. And it hurt me, it really did. Our sex life seemed to me at least that it was great. We had sex at LEAST 5 times a week, if not 5 times a day!! I mean I am the kind of girl who will try anything at least once. Anything he askes for in the bedroom, I will give him! I love sex! I love to be kinky and sensual. And I asked him about it, about the porn and if he still thought that I was sexually attractive, and he tells me yes all the time. But still, he rather watch the porn, and even just look at slutty girl’s pictures on myspace!!! ??? And then when caught, LIE!! So I thought, if I can’t beat him, I will join him! So I would tell him that I would watch porn and masterbate while he was at work. He didn’t care! I just didn’t understand. So then I started watching the porn with him, you know together. I would even touch him and bring him to climax while HE watched the porn. And now it’s to the point where he can’t have sex with me and climax WITHOUT porn. I just don’t know what to do. And NO I am not over wieght and I believe that I am VERY beautiful! I have had 3 of his children and I don’t have a single strech mark on my body! I wear a size 3-5 jean and have rather nice large breasts! Many people have asked me to model and I hear on a daily basis how beautiful I am! I just can’t understand what the girls (some are beautiful and some are just down right NASTY) in porn have that I don’t!!???!! I love this man with all my heart and I have tried more than one option. So I guess that it is different for each couple; but yes it can mess things up in a relationship. And to those who are saying seperate love and sex…. no. When you are IN LOVE with someone, that is how you bond and connect on a deeper spiritual level. When you are married and in love, sex is the strongest way to share your love on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. You need it to show your love to it’s fullest extent. But yes, you can have sex without love, which is just foolish and a total waste. There are many people that I love, but i would never have sex with them, because I am NOT IN love with them. There is a big difference.
4 Gwynne // Aug 19, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I’m a woman and I love porn. I also masturbate daily, not because I don’t have a wonderful,attractive,attentive spouse(because I do). For me its simply a sensual,self indulgent wayto pay homage to my fabulous self. Women need to get overtheir hang ups and insecurities and I bet your sex life will improve–with porn or without it!
5 Art // Aug 9, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I think what people forget is that they shouldn’t always equate love with sex. Sex doesn’t have to be for love. I think all can agree love and sex go together wonderfully. Kind of like chocolate covered strawberries. If we all remembered this I’d venture to say a lot less jealously would come about. AND a lot less lying. Feel comfortable with who you are and, love and trust your partners. Who cares about porn when it has nothing to do with love?
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