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Porn: When It Helps & When It Hurts
Some couples use it to sex up a relationship. For others, it spells the end.
by Anne Marie O'Connor
But it’s not just for soloing. “It’s also a great relationship enhancer. My ex-husband and I used it as a toy—almost like a dildo–on Friday nights,” she recalls.
She finds that writing porn is an even bigger aphrodisiac. “I started writing it with my long-distance boyfriend who lived in England,” she says. “It’s the biggest turn on—for me and him. I get excited writing the story, then reaching the climax on page, all of which affects my body in the same way.”
But while porn can be an occasional titillating treat for some, for others it’s a debilitating daily binge that can go on for hours, months and years, costing users their sexual health, marriages, families, friends, jobs and self-esteem. In fact, the stories end up sounding a lot like the ones of crackheads: staying up all night using porn for ten hours straight; getting fired for accessing it at work; blowing $600 or more on it a month, and not having enough left over for basic expenses; craving more and more extreme types of porn to get turned on; even doing it in front of kids.
“For some people, porn can be a serious problem that devastates their lives,” explains Wendy Maltz, a sex therapist in Eugene, OR, and the co-author (with her husband Larry) of The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography. “Eight to fifteen percent of people [who use porn] have extremely serious sexual problems,” she says.
It’s one thing to look at porn on occasion with a partner, she explains. But it’s another thing altogether “to masturbate to it regularly, in secret, and then lie about it. You can end up creating a sexual relationship with porn that pre-empts a real relationship with a present or future partner.” In other words, porn ends up being more fulfilling than any real woman.
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1 raghubir // Dec 14, 2008 at 6:46 am
dealing with porn of olders are as enjoyable as good health also it gives tramendous pleasure in oldies
2 tinque // Oct 13, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I applaud sexpositive above, the only comment to resonate with me. It’s true that it can be addictive; it’s true that it can be used as an outlet when partner’s libidos do not coincide; it’s true that it can be used as release; it’s also true that it can be painful to discover it on one’s partner’s computer as did I three years into the relationship. Though if I had not found it as I did, to this day I would not know, for he was always very attentive, loving, so into me and us, telling me and showing me how beautiful and sexy I was all the time, and we were also highly sexual.
I realized right away that this was triggering deeper issues within me. I set out to uncover and heal those issues using various, wonderful modalities, all of which helped, and three years later, I came through to other side. I still waver at times, the old feelings of not being enough in some way rearing their ugly, little heads albeit it in diminished form, but for all intents and purposes, I have healed.
We both use porn, alone and together, but we use it to stoke the fires of our passion for each other, as a tease to be reignited at a later time, as a lovely additional something that doesn’t necessarily enhance our sex life, yet it can. Porn is not always a negative thing. I have come to embrace it and along the way embrace myself.
3 Grandpa Loves Porn // Sep 19, 2008 at 2:58 pm
[…] Of course, I do. How could I ever forget the Saturday afternoon last fall when I discovered my grandpa’s secret vice: porn. […]
4 Janie // Sep 2, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Well I am 25 and I have been married to the same man for 8 years. He is the only man I have EVER had any sexual relations with! And he watches porn ALL the time. He tried to hide it, but I found out. He denies it even when caught red handed. And it hurt me, it really did. Our sex life seemed to me at least that it was great. We had sex at LEAST 5 times a week, if not 5 times a day!! I mean I am the kind of girl who will try anything at least once. Anything he askes for in the bedroom, I will give him! I love sex! I love to be kinky and sensual. And I asked him about it, about the porn and if he still thought that I was sexually attractive, and he tells me yes all the time. But still, he rather watch the porn, and even just look at slutty girl’s pictures on myspace!!! ??? And then when caught, LIE!! So I thought, if I can’t beat him, I will join him! So I would tell him that I would watch porn and masterbate while he was at work. He didn’t care! I just didn’t understand. So then I started watching the porn with him, you know together. I would even touch him and bring him to climax while HE watched the porn. And now it’s to the point where he can’t have sex with me and climax WITHOUT porn. I just don’t know what to do. And NO I am not over wieght and I believe that I am VERY beautiful! I have had 3 of his children and I don’t have a single strech mark on my body! I wear a size 3-5 jean and have rather nice large breasts! Many people have asked me to model and I hear on a daily basis how beautiful I am! I just can’t understand what the girls (some are beautiful and some are just down right NASTY) in porn have that I don’t!!???!! I love this man with all my heart and I have tried more than one option. So I guess that it is different for each couple; but yes it can mess things up in a relationship. And to those who are saying seperate love and sex…. no. When you are IN LOVE with someone, that is how you bond and connect on a deeper spiritual level. When you are married and in love, sex is the strongest way to share your love on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. You need it to show your love to it’s fullest extent. But yes, you can have sex without love, which is just foolish and a total waste. There are many people that I love, but i would never have sex with them, because I am NOT IN love with them. There is a big difference.
5 Gwynne // Aug 19, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I’m a woman and I love porn. I also masturbate daily, not because I don’t have a wonderful,attractive,attentive spouse(because I do). For me its simply a sensual,self indulgent wayto pay homage to my fabulous self. Women need to get overtheir hang ups and insecurities and I bet your sex life will improve–with porn or without it!
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