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Porn: When It Helps & When It Hurts
Some couples use it to sex up a relationship. For others, it spells the end.
by Anne Marie O'Connor
That was the experience of Kate, a 45-year-old from Chicago. When she and her husband first got together, she discovered that he would often look at porn for several hours at a time–even after they had just made love. “Also, I wasn’t happy about our sex life. My husband is younger (29) and he was like a lot of 20-something guys who had used a lot of porn but weren’t very good at actual sex. At first I bought into people telling me that I had a problem with it because I had low self-esteem. Then I realized, ‘Hey, I have pretty good self-esteem. Why can’t I have a satisfying sex life with a partner who is interested in my pleasure and not how to do twelve dumb positions he saw on some XXX porn that don’t feel good at all?’”
A year into their relationship, she confronted him. “I told him, ‘I have nothing against porn. But I don’t want to be with someone who uses this much porn and I don’t like the effect it has on our relationship.” Kate is one of the lucky ones: her husband agreed to go to counseling and has been porn-free for five years.
While Kate’s husband was willing to work on changing his behavior, other men refuse to even recognize that they have a problem. Though her husband has always claimed he isn’t into porn, six months ago, twenty-five-year-old Amy, a newlywed from Lee’s Summit, MO, walked in on him “relieving some stress,” as she puts it, while looking at an adult website. He is an IT professional, so at first she believed his explanation that he needed to look at porn as part of a work project involving retrieving licensing agreements.
What he didn’t know was that Amy had the password to his computer; when she checked his internet history, she found that he was looking at porn every day, downloading movies and pictures from at least ten different websites. In addition, she says, he had 300 to 400 movies on one of his drives.
“Personally I didn’t have a problem with porn, but he has always told me he’s not interested in it,” she explains. “But there have been multiple times he’s been ‘relieving stress,’ so I know that’s not the case. I would just like an honest answer, but so far have been unable to get it. I want to trust him, but I don’t. Right now, I wish the porn would just disappear–I can’t stand it.”
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1 Grandpa Loves Porn // Sep 19, 2008 at 2:58 pm
[…] Of course, I do. How could I ever forget the Saturday afternoon last fall when I discovered my grandpa’s secret vice: porn. […]
2 Janie // Sep 2, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Well I am 25 and I have been married to the same man for 8 years. He is the only man I have EVER had any sexual relations with! And he watches porn ALL the time. He tried to hide it, but I found out. He denies it even when caught red handed. And it hurt me, it really did. Our sex life seemed to me at least that it was great. We had sex at LEAST 5 times a week, if not 5 times a day!! I mean I am the kind of girl who will try anything at least once. Anything he askes for in the bedroom, I will give him! I love sex! I love to be kinky and sensual. And I asked him about it, about the porn and if he still thought that I was sexually attractive, and he tells me yes all the time. But still, he rather watch the porn, and even just look at slutty girl’s pictures on myspace!!! ??? And then when caught, LIE!! So I thought, if I can’t beat him, I will join him! So I would tell him that I would watch porn and masterbate while he was at work. He didn’t care! I just didn’t understand. So then I started watching the porn with him, you know together. I would even touch him and bring him to climax while HE watched the porn. And now it’s to the point where he can’t have sex with me and climax WITHOUT porn. I just don’t know what to do. And NO I am not over wieght and I believe that I am VERY beautiful! I have had 3 of his children and I don’t have a single strech mark on my body! I wear a size 3-5 jean and have rather nice large breasts! Many people have asked me to model and I hear on a daily basis how beautiful I am! I just can’t understand what the girls (some are beautiful and some are just down right NASTY) in porn have that I don’t!!???!! I love this man with all my heart and I have tried more than one option. So I guess that it is different for each couple; but yes it can mess things up in a relationship. And to those who are saying seperate love and sex…. no. When you are IN LOVE with someone, that is how you bond and connect on a deeper spiritual level. When you are married and in love, sex is the strongest way to share your love on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. You need it to show your love to it’s fullest extent. But yes, you can have sex without love, which is just foolish and a total waste. There are many people that I love, but i would never have sex with them, because I am NOT IN love with them. There is a big difference.
3 Gwynne // Aug 19, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I’m a woman and I love porn. I also masturbate daily, not because I don’t have a wonderful,attractive,attentive spouse(because I do). For me its simply a sensual,self indulgent wayto pay homage to my fabulous self. Women need to get overtheir hang ups and insecurities and I bet your sex life will improve–with porn or without it!
4 Art // Aug 9, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I think what people forget is that they shouldn’t always equate love with sex. Sex doesn’t have to be for love. I think all can agree love and sex go together wonderfully. Kind of like chocolate covered strawberries. If we all remembered this I’d venture to say a lot less jealously would come about. AND a lot less lying. Feel comfortable with who you are and, love and trust your partners. Who cares about porn when it has nothing to do with love?
5 Lizbeth // Aug 8, 2008 at 11:51 am
Porn is for the unimaginative and plain lazy. For the most part the most boring men I have known were well into porn. The more thoughtful, creative and interesting the man is the more likely he is to want to create his own sex life rather than watch someone else’s or watch two actors imitating one.
I really think the reason so many men are into porn is because they lack the creativity that most women naturally have when it comes to sex.
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