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To Ogle or Not To Ogle
Is it okay for him to have a wandering eye while you're nearby?
by Carrie
The hot-button question at our office today, from a newly-married guy: Was he allowed to look at other women in his wife’s presence?
“Nooooo,” one woman squealed. “Ab-so-lu-tely not!”
“And you don’t need to crane your neck for her to notice,” cautioned another. “We can detect if your very retinas shift slightly right or left.”
(It’s true: one friend I know says the best way to determine if her date’s gay or straight is watching to see if he takes microglances at her cleavage.)
Other couples seem to solve the dilemma by ogling together: The other night, I watched a live boxing match with my boyfriend and another couple we know. The boys sipped beers and waited anxiously for round 3, “when the chicks would fight.” And fight they did. While I was busy wondering how a girl with that much muscle mass could clock in at a mere 119 pounds, it was almost as if this pint-sized boxer could smell the men wanting to know what she looked like under all those pads.
After easily besting her opponent, she turned her back to the crowd, removed her gloves, and, seemingly in slo-mo, shook loose a wall of high-gloss auburn hair that swung to and fro, before settling in a shiny curtain which hung halfway down her back. It was clearly a calculated move: the likes of her locks were stuff seen only on Pantene commercials. And with one deft hair toss she struck every man in the house dumb.
We all stood staring for a moment, not knowing how to react.
Finally, my friend took matters into her own hands. “She is hot!” she declared, stating the obvious to her boyfriend, too glassy-eyed to do anything but nod.
“But we can’t help it!” my coworker protested, after I related the story. For guys, he says, it’s an involuntary reaction: If an attractive woman walks by, it’s as if a man’s head goes on auto-swivel.
Essentially he was invoking the evolutionary “it’s-deeply-engrained-that-we-need-to-spread-our-seed” defense. But was that just? We were divided. So what we want to know is: Is checking out other girls in your presence utterly neanderthal—or not bothersome at all?
For more rulings on questionable male etiquette, check out A Guide To Judging Men (By Their Manners).
 (1 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ... |
1 L // May 13, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I’m a straight woman and I notice attractive women. Doesn’t mean I’m attracted to them. And I think that’s what makes the bother.
Yep, there’s definitely something to look at when huge boobies (or whatever) come swinging through the bar/restaurant/bookshop door… but lust is the scary component in the looking game. My man and I might both be thinking, “Whoa. Those are huge!” at sight of Buxom Lady, but it is unlikely (never) that I will experience anything more than shallow fascination. Like… “How did those happen on that body? Are they real? Fan tanner looks bad on stretched out cleavage. The cut of that shirt really plays those up. Oh my god, I’m looking at some woman’s boobs. I hope she didn’t notice.” But it’s mostly observational, with occasional comparing or even note-taking. (”I should get a shirt with buttons like that. . .”)
My man, having seen the same thing I did, undoubtedly noticed said boobies. But I don’t know if his peeks were observational or if there was any kind of desire wrenched in there with ‘em. That’s what causes the nerves - whether or not one’s man is seeing the big boobs/sexy legs/hot girl and having a feeling of wanting (on top of general fascination). That would make me uncomfortable - knowing that the person I’m with is desiring someone else, especially with the whole thing occurring in front of my face.
But it’s just curiosity, you say?
Well, sometimes curiosity stems from attraction, like when I steal glances of men at work (because seeing men work has always turned me on). Yup… any man I could observe in his element- musicians, athletes, professors back in college during lecture, you name it. There was and still is something about seeing men at work that is appealing, sexual. But not sexual in an immediate and overt way, more of a gradual buildup… something that increases as I indulge my curiosities, my desires to look longer because of a primal attraction to men in their elements.
So… what about relationships and ogling? I’d say that monogamy means that the person you’re with is the object of your desire and that we should each do what it takes to keep it this way. If looking at others makes you lust after them, then it’s a bad call. Or maybe you just shouldn’t be in a relationship because you’re unable or unwilling to commit your desires to just on person. Either way, the person you’re with is going to know, feel, and likely irrationally fear moments when someone else replaces them (even temporarily) as the object of your desire.
2 Aneudi // Mar 10, 2008 at 8:36 am
Only rookies get caught ogling. Here’s a tip for guys out there on checking out females with your significant other. When you’re walking with your girlfriend and you spot an irresistible good looking woman, ogle all you want and then tell the girlfriend that she would look great in the hot woman’s dress.
3 mins // Mar 9, 2008 at 3:46 am
well not so bothersome… as long as i get to watch the guys too[:D] but jokes apart.. i guess one cant help it but do so.. but as long as its just a small glance.. i c no reason to worry..
4 Quitze // Mar 7, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Is it justified? no, but it doesn’t bother me I just tell him “she’s cute isn’t she?” and he sheepishly turns around and tells me “not cuter than you!” lol gag I know but hey it does the trick..
5 wiggum // Mar 6, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Whether the cause is nature or nurture can be debated, but noticing attratcive women is somehow wired into the heterosexual brain. Great post, Carrie - whoever you are.