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Why Do Men Buy Sex?
The guys who buy it aren't who you think. Nor are their reasons for doing so.
by Carrie Sloan
According to Dr. Teela Sanders, a senior lecturer at the University of Leeds, and the author of Paying For Pleasure: Men Who Buy Sex, nearly one in three men will buy sex at some point in his life. . .and we’re not talking porn. Below, Sanders offers some provocative ideas on why that’s the case—and what you need to know about it.
What prompted you to write this book in particular?
Generally my area has been in the sex industry—my first book was about studying women working as escorts, looking at how they manage risk, the economic choices, and their decisions to work as sex laborers.
The new book is the flip side: Men who buy sex. I wanted to look at the myths around who these guys are, and the relationship they have with sex workers. And I wanted to dispel the idea that they’re all these dirty, seedy curb crawlers and look at what is going on in terms of sexual consumption.
Why did you choose to write this book now?
In Britain, we’re trying to have this law that criminalizes men who buy sex. It’s based on a Swedish model. There’s this notion that the demand for sexual services is fueling human rights violations…I demystify all of that. This economic model is not demand-driven. We have a whole supply chain, and the majority of the supply chain is women making these economic decisions. There are women in the caring industry leaving professions like nursing and going into sexual labor type jobs because the benefits are higher. The pay is higher. Also students…a big trajectory of women who are students. That’s a new thing in the UK because students have only recently had to pay for higher education.
So if not a dirty, seedy curb crawler, what does the typical guy who buys sex look like?
This is the whole thing: There is no typicality. You don’t get men of a certain age or just bachelor party groups. There is a whole range of life stages, professions, and classes. There are all sorts of markets…from low end to high end. From the research, they’re not the people who have criminal records; they’re regular citizens who have professional jobs and are in relationships. This is where you see the proliferation. It’s not an uncommon thing.
Did you detect any purchase patterns, so to speak?
There is a typology of different type of purchases. There are guys who I call “the bookends” who will buy sexual experiences in their teen years, then have decades away. Then in their 60s, they’ll go back. For them, it’s about purchasing sex later in life. It’s an interesting group to look at in terms of aging and sexuality.
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1 paul // Mar 15, 2008 at 1:16 pm
The fact is that most men have a strong sexual appetite. This appetite can be completely satisfied by one woman, but sadly, most women forget this basic need, either in relationship or marriage, it is forgotten. Sex to me is just as necessary as food. A man can only starve so long, until nature takes over, and we go and find a solution. When dating, I now discuss sex, and recommend couples discuss sex, and make sure their partner is willing to fulfill this basic need. If not, find another mate. I blame the media, and hippocrates, for making sex so taboo. Monogamy and sexual restriction are moral values I personally don’t adopt. Too often these personal values are put into law, instead of kept as personal values. I believe sex, and freedom of sex, should be personal and private matters, left to people, not media, courts, police and judges. Personal morales, that do not affect others freedom, should never be forced, or drafted into law.
2 Stephanie // Mar 14, 2008 at 7:36 am
I completely agree with this article, being a sex worker in America. Most of the married men that come see me, tell me that there marriage is very important to them, but the only thing lacking is the sexual component.
3 James // Mar 11, 2008 at 5:26 pm
One more comment!!! I am 50 y/o this year. I average going to a massage place once a month. I happen to like asian gals. They are very nice to me. They have a great attitude everytime I come in. I never see a sad place. Many of the women I give birthday cards to. They have husbands and are married, but no hang-ups on what they do. In Asia it is normal for men to come. None of the women have ever asked me to quit on my marriage and go with them. TO me it is just being with a nice woman for 2 hours and sharing conversation. I am actually happier when I get home to my wife and kids. I still love my wife more than ever. I did not cheat on her I feel. I did not like her sex any less, her body any less. Would marry my wife again and again. I actually tell her I go to the places. She is Chinese gal and she knows what I am doing and I am not leaving her.
4 James // Mar 11, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I personally go to massage places. Why??? Relaxing, choose a sexy nice gal to chat to, no one is being forced, women are cool with their job, I here no complaints. After my happy ending with the gal, I go home. No divorcing or quitting the marriage. Just a different gal once in a while. I still love my wife very much and she is also still very sexy. it is nothing personal. I don’t want an afair to hurt my wife or end my marriage. I actually give my wife better sex when we are together. I actually had the massage gal teach me ways to please my wife better. Stop beating everyone up over paying for a gal!!!
5 Aneudi // Mar 11, 2008 at 1:52 pm
My close friend of mine who shall remain nameless…Chris, allegedly dated a stripper at a strip club. He insisted that she was his girlfriend and went there every weekend at her job to spend quality time together.
My friends and I used to laugh at him all the time when he mentioned that he had to pay for all his drinks and he bought her $100 bottles of wine for her. She was not his boyfriend, he was her personal ATM!
Several months later, he claimed to have broken it off with her. He didn’t break it off, his empty wallet did.
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