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My Boyfriend Cheated On Me With Hookers
One woman grapples with finding out she was betrayed when he paid for sex.
by Rachel Kramer Bussel
I’d had a long day; fresh from a family funeral in Connecticut, I was back in Manhattan. I’d been helping a friend pack, waiting for my boyfriend of six weeks to get home so I could sleep at his place. Finally, we were in his apartment and did what we normally did: have frantic, hot, wonderful sex. Then he fell asleep.
I had work to do so I went quietly into the living room. I was having trouble getting online with my laptop, so I logged into my email account using his. At least, I tried to. When I went to gmail.com, his inbox popped up.
This is not my proudest moment. I started reading. Snooping, if you will. His inbox yielded nothing, but I was still curious. I wanted to see what, if anything, he was telling his friends about me. I wanted to get some clue as to whether or not I was a long-term prospect because I was smitten—already dreaming of having his babies.
I don’t know what I expected to find, but it certainly wasn’t the numerous “Massage in fifteen minutes?” messages sent from him to random Craigslist addresses. My first thought wasn’t shock so much as rationalization. I thought maybe he really was getting massages; regular people do that. I couldn’t equate the man I knew with the person whose hidden side I was getting a peek at.
I kept going, and my stomach dropped as I realized that “massage” was simply Internet parlance for sex. All the time we’d been together, when he’d refused to use condoms—until I finally went on the Pill—he’d been hiring, or trying to hire, hookers. I could tell at least one of his attempts had been successful; a woman emailed back to say that he’d left a piece of jewelry behind with her. Another response, from an escort site which I promptly visited, made the imagery all too real.
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1 Steve // Jul 15, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Sounds to me like you analyze his frequenting prostitutes as “competition” with you. I submit that you dont understand men, and if you continue to act like this, you’ll either A) continue to be hurt all your life and continue self-immolation as if you arent WORTH such trust and committment or B) continue to antagonize men and attempt to “live with a level of misunderstanding” throughout your relationship.
I suggest that your experience with this man never had anything to do with you. It was a need he had, that you didnt fulfill, but not because you Couldnt, but because it was easiest and most convenient for him to visit prostitutes. Sex with you may very well have been BETTER than any of those paid for women, or maybe equal or maybe lesser, but in any result thats not why. Its because its “Different”.
When men feel they can get away with it, they desire many women and many different situations. Your relationship was new, only 6 weeks. Thats early for most men, and he may have been using prostitutes to make him feel good as routine before he met you. Men Do compartmentalize sex. They Want and Need sex desperately, just some men get it enough they dont act like they need it, and some men are just liars to get it.
Men would love to have the love of their lives to snuggle with and enjoy dinner out and sunsets as well as hot sex, but then they would also like 14 other hot women to do it with and 25 fantasies to boot.
None of this is implying that immorality is either OK, or justified. The statements im making are just realization and most men dont want to admit it. Many men just cannot overcome such desires and cheat or covet in fantasy etc.
But my point is with all that info, women dont seem to understand this and think men are just like them, and ready to commit and settle down and be with just one person and have monogomous sex and be happy about it, and figure if he loves her, it doesnt matter how little she pleases him or how her looks deteriorate etc.
It does. Men need their wives/girlfriends to really sex them up and please them with no strings attached to be truly sexually happy. If women use sex as a weapon or a tool to get what they want, it may work for awhile but gets old after some point and just creates animosity. If women think a man that looks at other women doesnt find her attractive, shes assuming incorrectly. If women thinks a man who cheats doesnt want her, its also making a potentially incorrect assumption given certain factors.
You have to put 2 and 2 together. if you are attractive and you cant figure out why he cheated, its pry not you. If you know why he cheated because of the way you act on purpose, then it IS you. If you know you let your looks go bad, and he cheated, then its pry you.
Also that old statement men are thinking with the little brain down below, is not true. With men sex is more mental than you think, its just that men are often thinking about sex. Thats why they act so horny all the time. If your man isnt as interested as he once was, stimulate him with fantasy or just figure out what he wants and give it to him…or dont. your choice.
2 Rich // Jun 13, 2008 at 11:18 am
Six week is not a relationship yet….and the snooping through his email sorry dear is in excusable. Sorry but actually you are the one in the wrong the snooping and reading private email is wrong. Granted i am not condoning nor condemning his behavior it just that your invasion of privacy is far worse that visiting some escorts.
3 Sugar // Jun 12, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Wow, sweetie, you are quite delusional! DId you ever consider maybe the reason he frequented paramours was because he doesn’t like the attatchment, obligation, and responsibilities of a real relationship? Personally, I agree with Gene. It would be much more offensive to me if my significant other was actually dating a woman, (i.e. taking her out to dinners/dates, introducing her to friends/family…etc…), as opposed to if he was simply satisfying his urges. My mom always used to say “women want everything from 1 man, men just want 1 thing from every woman.” And it’s not snooping thru their personal shit, and invading their privacy; that’s for sure!
If anything, you did nothing short of reinforcing his reasoning to see escorts.
4 enigma.hope // May 25, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Did you get tested for STD’s and HIV after you ended the relationship.
5 Virgil Kane // Apr 21, 2008 at 4:22 pm
no fret girl your better off- I use a prostitute 2 times a month- I’m single but have needs baby and a man likes variety-sorry to say his love wasn’t skin deep
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