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My Boyfriend Cheated On Me With Hookers
One woman grapples with finding out she was betrayed when he paid for sex.
by Rachel Kramer Bussel
I’d had a long day; fresh from a family funeral in Connecticut, I was back in Manhattan. I’d been helping a friend pack, waiting for my boyfriend of six weeks to get home so I could sleep at his place. Finally, we were in his apartment and did what we normally did: have frantic, hot, wonderful sex. Then he fell asleep.
I had work to do so I went quietly into the living room. I was having trouble getting online with my laptop, so I logged into my email account using his. At least, I tried to. When I went to gmail.com, his inbox popped up.
This is not my proudest moment. I started reading. Snooping, if you will. His inbox yielded nothing, but I was still curious. I wanted to see what, if anything, he was telling his friends about me. I wanted to get some clue as to whether or not I was a long-term prospect because I was smitten—already dreaming of having his babies.
I don’t know what I expected to find, but it certainly wasn’t the numerous “Massage in fifteen minutes?” messages sent from him to random Craigslist addresses. My first thought wasn’t shock so much as rationalization. I thought maybe he really was getting massages; regular people do that. I couldn’t equate the man I knew with the person whose hidden side I was getting a peek at.
I kept going, and my stomach dropped as I realized that “massage” was simply Internet parlance for sex. All the time we’d been together, when he’d refused to use condoms—until I finally went on the Pill—he’d been hiring, or trying to hire, hookers. I could tell at least one of his attempts had been successful; a woman emailed back to say that he’d left a piece of jewelry behind with her. Another response, from an escort site which I promptly visited, made the imagery all too real.
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1 Jay // Oct 4, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Steve, you are right about women using sex as a tool, it has to be the number one reason why I have strayed from the path in the past. When women “schedule” sex with their boyfriend/husband, and he must do certain things for this to happen, it does create animosity, and makes it much easier to just go somewhere else for sex. Women try to lower mens self esteem until they change into what it is they have in mind. Women get the notion “If he is in charge of the sex life he wont respect me” so what happens? He goes somewhere else behind her back. Suzanne is right to, sex with a hooker is a professional non-intimate encounter. An emotionally invested affair is much worse and means that the women IS lacking
2 chris // Oct 3, 2008 at 9:52 am
Signs of a Cheating Spouse
• Intuition or gut feeling.
• He or she says “You’re crazy”, “You don’t trust me”, or “It’s your imagination.” when you confront them.
• Excessive use of Internet, e-mail and or text messaging.
• Shutting down the computer or changing screens when you walk into the room.
• Going to work early or coming home late. Working a lot of over time without the pay.
• Long trips to the store or staying at the gym for excessive periods of time.
• Leaving the cell phone in the car or keeping the cell phone with them at all times.
• Walking out of the room when talking on the cell phone, or text messaging.
• More interest in their appearance, hygiene and clothes.
• Becomes more picky, cruel, and defensive during normal conversations.
• Leaves house during an argument.
3 lulu // Sep 30, 2008 at 11:42 pm
ugh!! it sounds all to familiar…i too have lived in this world…it is a free fall…it denies all the realities that you thought you knew…am a divorced mother of four who was elated to be single for a while if not for life…that said to make a long story short…dated a man for a year …also in my shoes with two children. he was quick to profess his “love” for me..pushed conversations about marriage, compassionate towards my children(i adore his too)…was in my world every chance he could get (we had a long distance relationship CT and CA)…we became what I thought very close friends, companions and lovers…he was appealing on every level but even more so because “he was such a good man”…loved my children, “devoted”, kind, warm, smart funny blah, blah,blah…a few very vague red flags which were easily chalked up to the overwhelming reality of divorce, children and the fallout of all…the numbing nuances started giving me that “gut feeling” that somethings were not adding up ..not overwhelming but just enough to push me to cross the line…i snooped in his email, blackberry etc. and to anyone who thinks snooping is unethical the reason most people do is because subconsciously they believe there is a reason to violate this code of ethics…its called survival, protection from heartache, diseases, kids being let down etc. it was the best thing that i ever did as I needed to protect not only myself but my family too…That said…well not only did I find out that he was seeing two other women in the year that we dated but also calling escorts regularly incl christmas night… to the tune of 10’s of thousands of dollars…to say this was out of left field…you have no idea…i am smart, very attractive, very happy with my life and quite frankly was concerned that i had fallen in love so quickly after my divorce. i think one needs a year at least to be alone and regroup. Well talk about a violation…he was cheating on me and was with hookers. This was a not a married man.. he was able to say “let’s slow things down a bit”anytime..it was major effort for him to fly to CT 18 days a month …in essence he was single..as in not married…I am not a prude..we had an amazing sex life…if he had rocks to get off…I would so get it…it is liberating after a bad marriage…but he kept up the nonsense…and lied to my face repetitively..it was outrageous..almost comical at this point…he would cry, swear on his fathers grave, encourage me to call this person and that, i was told that “i was just looking for a fight”…it was so bizarre to watch him…I didn”t tell him all that I knew right away…I asked to him to be honest…well he told one truth(as in one percent), oh, and then another truth as I would reveal all that I knew..then “now this is the real truth” without knowing that I knew all. He has cried, begged and gone to the most outrageous extremes for me to forgive..he tells me that he is waiting for me forever…sadly, very sadly as i believe he was the first and only man that i ever loved..i i know that i can’t be in a relationship knowing what disgusting things that I know…i have too much at stake. It is the most emotional pain that i have suffered. What you know and trust is no longer what you know and trust. i have lost the confidence in myself to know what is good and right…as i didn’t see any of this coming.
it has been quite an experience.i try to be grateful for all that i have learned….the good news is that I have my health…the bad news is this seeming “gift” was the devil himself…he has destroyed my trust and am trying hard to regainmy faith in the human spirit…
4 lucy stewart // Sep 17, 2008 at 8:57 am
quite frankly, I think these comments suck considering he cheated and not you. Sorry for your loss and wish you well.
5 Suzanne Portnoy // Sep 12, 2008 at 2:44 am
Sorry, Rachel, but I would prefer a bf to go off with a hooker any day than have an affair. An affair is an emotional and physical attachment. A hooker is detached sex. In the grand scheme of things it’s the equivalent of having a wank with a person instead of your hand.Not everyone wants intimacy all the time and I could understand your bf just wanting some variety. This has nothing to do with you, it’s just the way it is. Sometimes you want pistachio ice cream instead of chocolate every day.
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