Public Sex Not OK on Florida Beaches

by Tom Miller

We’ll be damned, it turns out that Sex On The Beach is just a drink in Florida. We wonder if Tom Collins was ever a real guy. Anyway, in stark contrast to the Dutch allowing public sex (after dark) in Amsterdam’s Vondelpark, the state of Florida has had enough of it. We’re guessing that a report titled something along the lines of Sex In The Sand: Shame Of The Beaches.

The bill is set to criminalize lascivious and lewd behavior in parks, near schools, and on public beaches. Evidently, sex in Florida should take place in hotels, condos, RVs, homes, private beaches, and the wave pool at Disney. Currently, beach sex can result in a fine up to $1,000 but the new plan will make it a felony.

We wonder if topless beach fun in Miami is still allowed. This could really screw up spring break plans. Could you imagine that phone call to mom and dad from Panama City: “Uh, yeah, can I speak to mom? No, I actually can’t call back. Thanks. Hey mom, you know how I like to party? Oh, you didn’t. Well, I do. And there was this guy at Club La Vela and they had this game where you do an Alabama Slammer and run out to the ocean. Oh, an Alabama Slammer is a shot, mom. Yes of liquor. So you run out to the ocean with a boy and trade bathing suits. Well, he’s wearing a t-shirt and it’s at night, so I’m not ‘whoring around.’ Well, we did it the fastest so we won a prize. It was actually a free pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea. It’s not like sweet tea. So we go to trade our clothes back, and well one thing leads to another and, yeah, I’m in jail. And possibly pregnant.”

This law could really be a blessing, there are some places on the human body that sand just isn’t meant to go. And sometimes it makes people highly irritable.

Read more from WFLX on the new law on beach sex…