Yankees Slugger Marries, Draws Wife

by Tom Miller

Hideki Matsui, the New York Yankees’ left fielder, was secretly married yesterday. Normally this wouldn’t be news but the ballplayer known as Godzilla (because he’s Japanese and hits a lot of homers, presumably) has been hilariously secretive about it. In fact, the only time anyone’s seen her has been in this crazy drawing of his. He’s keeping her away from the pesky Japanese media (who have a reputation for taking a lot of pictures, weird). Evidently, Matsui met this gal in Japan through a friend in 2006 (if you ask us she looks half Japanese, it could just be the slightly kinky hair).

According to the NY Post, Matsui got in on a wager with fellow Yanks Derek Jeter (yeah, the good-looking one) and Bobby Abreu. The first to marry won the pot ($1,000 each). Which is unusual because most wedding bets are tontines (eg the winner is the last to get married). Matsui’s limited English probably helped him from spilling the beans.

This is a big step for Matsui. Before this, all we knew about his personal life was what he sent through his translator. And pretty much all that we remember the translator talking about was Matsui’s massive porn collection. A) We wonder if the new Mrs. Matsui is into porn (seriously, though, they have some weird porn in Japan like the Germans. What’s up with countries that lost WWII and weird porn? We’re guessing that the Italians have some crazy porn.). B) Is this a little like having a Canadian girlfriend? “Oh you wouldn’t know her, she’s from Canada.” C)If you were a translator wouldn’t you make things up? “Uh, he said that he is very happy to be a Met and he hopes one day to be able to marry his pet monkey whom he makes love to fortnightly in an oxygen tent.”