I’m Not Obsessed mentioned today that the Gossip Girl set has spawned another non-canonical romance. Evidently, TV’s favorite sensitive-on-the-inside teen villain, Chuck Bass, is dating Vanessa (not important enough for us to remember her last name) from Brooklyn.

Better said, Ed Westwick is fooling around with young, wild actress Jessica Szohr (uh, how do you even start pronouncing that name?). The pair was seen canoodling (which we assume is a portmanteau of caring and the ancient hippie dancing technique of noodling) in some Texas airport. But what does this mean for us fans (not that we watch that show)?

Are we supposed to expect a hook-up between the Bass-tard and Vanessa from Brooklyn? We assumed that they would sort of fall for each other at some point or another because the show is rapidly running out of combos of characters to pair off (or so we’ve heard). They need to figure out a way to sneak some OC characters into the show, Julie Cooper could take Rufus’ mind off that Lily van der Woodsen and his sad-sack kids for a quick sec. And they almost did but the vilest little Princess (Blair Waldorff) narced Chaz out before he could show the girl from the other side of the tracks the “reel” Bass-master (what’s what the kids in our neighborhood are saying, at least).

But maybe something about the rakish scarfsman jarred something loose in the girl from the other side of the East River. And Jessica Szohr decided that if Vanessa NoSurname was stuck with Nathaniel Archibald, that the real Squirrelly Sue could make a move on with the surprisingly British Ed Westwick and become the filling of an Upper East Side sandwich.

Or it could be that there are a bunch of young people on the somewhat fantastical Gossip Girl set and everyone is pretty much doing everyone (and using the drugs, if some of those Page Six blind items are accurate). This will probably put an end to the rumors that Ed Westwick is dating Drew Barrymore but probably not the libel that he’s shtupping pretty boy costar Chace Crawford.

And because you might not watch GG (like us!), check out Gawker’s rundown of the most recent episode. Uh, this is the best thing that Gawker has ever produced. We almost had a collective stroke/ orgasm as we read it.

Who do you think makes a better couple, Dan and Serena (Penn Badgley and Blake Lively, her name is an adverb) or Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr? At least Ed is taller than Jessica.

Photos: Splash

And that’s the way the cougar crumbles. According to Celebitchy (and this is sort of old news, supposedly 4 months old), the former wife of billionaire millionaire Donald Trump has tired of her plaything and is moving on to greener pastures. So, all of you who had “never-ever” in your Ivan Trump – Rossano Rubicondi marriage death pool, we’re sorry. We’d have bet the chasm between how much Donald says he’s worth and his actual, liquid value on these 2 going the distance.

What went wrong? We think it may have started with that time that the po-po was called to end a domestic squabble between the 2 or it may have been Rossano Rubicondi’s dalliances while filming Italy’s I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Whatever the case, we don’t feel the least bit badly betting on these 2 to show this crazy world a thing or 2. But it wasn’t in the cards. Was he too young for her? Granted, it makes us incredibly uncomfortable to call a 36-year old man a boytoy, but Ivana is pushing 60. There are some moves that a man in his mind 30s would consider de rigueur that hadn’t been invented when Ivana was in her prime. It’s got to be tough to have to read books on the side just to keep up.

But fret not, Trumperinos. The woman who once famously said “Don’t get mad… get everything,” is already back in the saddle. According to the New York Daily News, she may have been hanging out with an even younger dude while Rubicondi was on reality TV. Plus the Daily News wins the award for best copywriting with the headline: “Ivana Trump Finally Crosses The Rossano Rubicondi.” Gotta love the Julius Caesar references. We would have been pleased with a joke about condiments or Condoleezza Rice and Rush & Molloy go Rome on us, nice. Rubicondi alleges that she was getting down with 23-year old model Marius Rusovici while he was doing the reality TV run. Twenty-three is barely out of short pants. This will be the fourth divorce for the former Mrs. Donald Trump, she’s on her way to being the female Larry King or a blonder Liz Taylor.

But our favorite part of the whole deal is her flippant justification for the split, “Rossano wants to live in Miami and work in Milan,” … “But, I am a New Yorker and my family, friends and businesses are here. As the beautiful song says, ‘Que sera sera.” Lady, you still got it.

Photos: Splash

You may have already guessed this but the wedding of the century between Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag was not legal. According to E!Online, the for-TV nuptials were not accompanied by a marriage license, blood test or the will of God. The surprise ceremony, though not yet official, was conceived with enough lead-time to alert and coordinate with Us Weekly. 
Maybe E! couldn’t find the right spelling for Mr. Wonderful when doing their due diligence.

The odd(est) thing about the elopement is that producers from The Hills were not privy to it. Yikes is right. We were under the impression that Spencer and Heidi were contractually obligated to let The Hills know their each and every move. Particularly something as Earth-shattering as an impromptu wedding in old Mexico. But it appears that Speidi has gone rogue. Fret not, posterity shall be served. A videographer was on-hand to document the ceremony and the footage will be featured in a forthcoming episode of The Hills.

Maybe Spencer Pratt just had enough of the waiting. Rumor has it (and we’ve never heard this refuted by Spencer or Heidi) that Heidi is (was) a virgin. Spencer even went as far as saying that they slept with a pillow between them to stem any temptation. We don’t mean to editorialize too much, but these guys are a couple of twiggy characters. The whole Speidi experience has been characterized almost entirely by deception and such a lack of sincerity that you wonder if the Housewives Of Atlanta are embarrassed for them. It’s said that in a democracy, you get the government you deserve and we just wonder, from a pop culture standpoint, what we did to deserve this? Oh, that’s right we made Paris Hilton a household name and demanded, with our viewing habits, that some permutation of The Real World is on TV 22 hours a day. We hope that they do make this wedding legit, this way the rest of us don’t risk accidentally allowing them to taint the clean end of the gene pool. MTV should hire whichever laboratory Disney used to create Zac Efron when Spencer and Heidi decide to, shudder, procreate.

Photos: Splash

Per the Boston Herald, Reese Witherspoon has a movie coming out. Whoops, we mean she has some new perspective on marriage, motherhood divorce and Vince Vaughn (Double V).

While doing promotion work for Four Christmases (which coincidentally opens on November 26th), she sat down and answered some questions. First of all, she gets frazzled around the holidays particularly when she’s in charge of entertaining. OMG, the stars are just like us. And on top of that, her character in Four Christmases (in theaters November 26th) is a woman who gets overwhelmed by the four Christmas celebrations she has to attend. It’s like when life imitates art.

And the reason there are Four Christmases (don’t miss it in theaters November 26th) is that the parents of her character and Vince Vaughn’s character are all divorced. In real life, Reese Witherspoon is divorced and knows real people sometimes are torn between broken families during holidays. It’s like famous people have a magazine that details the lives of us civilians. Marvelous.

On top of that, her character, Kate, is unsure if she wants children. She has anxiety about her future. In real life, Reese Witherspoon never held a baby until she had a baby of her own. Cripes! We can’t tell where Reese Witherspoon and her character from Four Christmases (seriously, in theaters November 26th) differ. Crazy. And we’ve met people who were nervous about having kids. OMFG, stars are just like us!

And to finish it all off, Reese Witherspoon only did the movie because she knew that Vince Vaughn was signed on, per the Melbourne Herald Sun. HAH! We bet an awful lot of us (regular old shmoes) will be seeing this movie for the same reason (mark your friggin’ calendars for November 26th or else). What will that Double V (Vince Vaughn) do next? Are you with us?

Thank goodness, Reese Witherspoon stepped outside of her comfort zone to show us how this movie (buy your tickets now, it’s in theaters November 26th, suckah) is like regular life. God bless Reese Witherspoon, God bless us all.

Photos: Splash

According to E!Online, David Spade still has It. Unlike Jean Claude Van Damme we’re reasonably sure that we can identify Spade’s It. Spade’s It is Michael Bolton’s hand me down. The comedian was reportedly seen fooling around with desperate housewife and TV actress (Desperate Housewives) Nicollette Sheridan.

You may know Sheridan as the slutty villainess Edie Britt but we prefer to think of her as the other hot blond that nearly brought down Michael Bolton. The first hot blond to almost capsize the Bolt-dog, of course, was John Tesh. Our favorite Nicollette Sheridan moment, though, when she dropped her towel and leapt into the arms of NFL players Terrell Owens. More accurately, we liked the backlash on that commercial. Evidently, there was a problem all the way back in the puritanical days of 2004 with sexual suggestiveness (and possibly race). Thanks a bunch, JT.

But the important person to talk about here is David Spade. Ladies love AND girls adore him. He is way more impressive than Colin Farrell (or Rob Base) in this regard. Farrell has the accent, the rakish good looks and the alluring scent of whiskey and cigarettes. Spade’s got… Spade’s got… Spade’s got… It. Sure he’s a funny dude. And rich. And famous. But he was bird-dogging sexy broads way before the fame and the loot came his way. It could be that he grew up without a man around the house (for the most part) and really learned to listen to women. Or he could have psychic powers. Way to keep the good times rolling, David Spade. We hope that your quality of life far surpasses Andy Dick’s. That guy is a complete, uh, dink.

Fun Fact: Nicolette Sheridan’s father’s identity is a mystery (like Pearl Prynne?) but growing up she considered Telly Savalas to be her dad. Who loves ya, baby? Old Kojak was also the godfather of Jennifer Aniston. Proving once again that Hollywood (like the Skull & Bones) is an elite club that pampers legacy and only allows the best and brightest (and Andy Dick) to join the circle.

Photo: Splash