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Open Relationship Dos and Dont’s
Is it still an open relationship if you’re restricted by a long list of rules?
by Dan Eldridge
One of the very first times I got up enough nerve to talk about my open relationship with a stranger, I was in Turkey, of all places, on a business trip.
I was doing research for a travel guide in the relatively modern town of Antalya, and I’d met a very kind local couple who had asked me out to dinner. They were both my age: late twenties, early thirties. The guy—I don’t remember his name, so let’s call him Nazim—was Turkish. But his wife was an American from Los Angeles. She had creamy brown skin and dark hair, so the locals, she told me, always assumed she was Turkish. Someone on the street would ask her a question, for instance, but their words were indecipherable. She could only smile awkwardly, and shrug her shoulders. She had lived in Antalya for a year or two, but wasn’t the least bit embarrassed about the fact that she couldn’t even string together a sentence in the local language. She had an incredibly attractive sense of innocence about her, especially for an expat who was making her home in such an obscure and unknown corner of the Muslim world.
During dinner, our conversation naturally turned to sex. Which was perfectly fine with me: Just a few months earlier, I’d begun dating a girl who was involved in an open relationship. And so by default, I suppose, our relationship became open as well. This was still very much a novelty to me, and I had lately been catching myself inventing excuses in order to brag about it.
But here, in Turkey, it was different. Nazim, after all, was Muslim—not exactly a group known for its liberal sexual beliefs. In fact, I can still remember what I was thinking in the moments before I blurted out that my new girlfriend was perfectly content in the knowledge that on occasion, I slept with other women. I was thinking: “This is not a good idea. Do not do this.”
But I simply love pushing the proverbial envelope. I always have. I read a magazine interview with Drew Barrymore once, and she talked about how “fucking with people,” as she put it, had become something of a hobby for her, because life was just so boring. And while I certainly couldn’t relate to her lifestyle then, and still can’t, I knew exactly what she meant, because that’s so often how I feel: I love fucking with people. Especially people whose buttons are so easy to push. For instance, deeply religious people with little or no sense of humor. You might say that many Muslims fall into that category.
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1 Lance // Jul 24, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Great piece Dan, I’m going to go back and read all your stuff. I’ve been doing a lot of blogging lately about open relationships and I’m glad I found this.
2 Dan Eldridge // May 30, 2008 at 8:48 pm
You’re absolutely right, “Jeepers”. My comment was absolutely uncalled for. I think maybe I hadn’t taken my meds when I wrote that, or something. Keep those mean-spirited remarks coming, people!
3 Jeepers // May 30, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Sheesh, speaking of “people whose buttons are so easy to push.” Deep breaths, Dan.
4 Dan Eldridge // May 26, 2008 at 11:19 am
Nice try, genius, but that’s not what I wrote AT ALL. I didn’t even use the word “most”. The word was “many”. And if you would have taken two or three seconds to read the sentence that came before that word, you’d also see that I was referring to “deeply religious people,” and not Muslims themselves. You might have picked up on that because, after all, I did place the qualifying phrase “deeply religious people” before the word “Muslims”.
But like all deeply religious people, who for eons have been taking words and phrases *entirely out of context* in order to suit their own purposes or small-minded beliefs, you took *my* phrase entirely out of context. And what’s more, you even inserted a word of your own! (I didn’t use the word “most” — the word was “many”. And as I’m sure you know, those two words have very different meanings.)
But like all religious zealots who care only about advancing their own shallow, sheltered beliefs, you managed to entirely twist the meaning of my essay - and you even inserted your own word! - to advance your ass-backwards cause. Way to go, jackass.
Just remember: People like you are the *problem* in this world. And people like you are the primary reason we will always need solutions.
5 Karen // Apr 30, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Most Muslims have no sense of humor? Wow. So there’s the last time I’ll be stopping by Tango.
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