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Open Relationship Dos and Dont’s
Is it still an open relationship if you’re restricted by a long list of rules?
by Dan Eldridge
And so Carrie and I have decided to share with you a number of our own rules. And by the way, if you’ve ever talked with your partner about opening up your own relationship–or if you’d like to–the following pointers might make for a good excuse to bring it up. Please keep in mind, though, that these are only a few of the open relationship rules that we’ve found to be most sensible in our own relationship. Yours will probably be somewhat different. But no matter what you decide, it’s exceedingly important to remember that without a very serious mutual respect, your non-monogamous relationship is never, ever going to work.
“Everyone [in an open relationship] has at least one rule,” says sex journalist and educator Tristan Taormino, during a recent phone interview. Taormino writes the Village Voice’s “Pucker Up” column, and is also the author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (Cleis Press). The book is scheduled to be released at the end of April.
1. Honesty is (usually) the best policy.
This is quite possibly the most important of all our rules, and it’s also the one that my fiancée, Carrie, has always taken pains to institute in her past alternative arrangements. It’s the only rule you really do need to keep in mind at all times, and what it means is this: Don’t lie. Have open, honest conversations with your partner about anything that gives you a feeling of unease. Tell your primary partner the things you are most afraid to tell him. Because if he can’t respect the thoughts that take place in your mind—no matter how odd or socially deviant they may seem—there’s no chance he’ll be able to understand or tolerate your wayward sexual behavior. And that’s to say nothing of the fact that you shouldn’t stay with someone who laughs at your fantasies, sexual or otherwise.
“If your friends who are non-monogamous tell you they don’t have rules,” says Taormino, “they’re full of shit. They maybe haven’t spoken them out loud, but they’re there. That’s the great think about non-monogamy: All this stuff gets discussed, and it’s out in the open. There are no assumptions.”
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1 Lance // Jul 24, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Great piece Dan, I’m going to go back and read all your stuff. I’ve been doing a lot of blogging lately about open relationships and I’m glad I found this.
2 Dan Eldridge // May 30, 2008 at 8:48 pm
You’re absolutely right, “Jeepers”. My comment was absolutely uncalled for. I think maybe I hadn’t taken my meds when I wrote that, or something. Keep those mean-spirited remarks coming, people!
3 Jeepers // May 30, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Sheesh, speaking of “people whose buttons are so easy to push.” Deep breaths, Dan.
4 Dan Eldridge // May 26, 2008 at 11:19 am
Nice try, genius, but that’s not what I wrote AT ALL. I didn’t even use the word “most”. The word was “many”. And if you would have taken two or three seconds to read the sentence that came before that word, you’d also see that I was referring to “deeply religious people,” and not Muslims themselves. You might have picked up on that because, after all, I did place the qualifying phrase “deeply religious people” before the word “Muslims”.
But like all deeply religious people, who for eons have been taking words and phrases *entirely out of context* in order to suit their own purposes or small-minded beliefs, you took *my* phrase entirely out of context. And what’s more, you even inserted a word of your own! (I didn’t use the word “most” — the word was “many”. And as I’m sure you know, those two words have very different meanings.)
But like all religious zealots who care only about advancing their own shallow, sheltered beliefs, you managed to entirely twist the meaning of my essay - and you even inserted your own word! - to advance your ass-backwards cause. Way to go, jackass.
Just remember: People like you are the *problem* in this world. And people like you are the primary reason we will always need solutions.
5 Karen // Apr 30, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Most Muslims have no sense of humor? Wow. So there’s the last time I’ll be stopping by Tango.
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