Masturbation May Cut Cancer Risk

by Tom Miller

You’ll go blind. You’ll get carpal tunnel syndrome. You’ll lose sensation. You’ll grow hair on your palms. You’ll… lower your chance of getting cancer. In your face, wives’ tales.

According to the BBC a study in Australia showed that frequent ejaculation can reduce the risk for prostate cancer. A dude who ejaculated 5 times per week could reduce his risk of p-cancer by a third. For some of you, 5 times a week can get knocked out by supper the first day. For others, you’ll have to tell your wives/ girlfriends/ moms/ roommates that your life is on the line and that you’ll be keeping Vaseline, napkins and reading material stored all over the house. The study suggests that the “work” done in your 20s is the most important, so get cracking or try to catch up.

Yes, you could have sex 5 times a week. But who’s ever heard of such thing? Besides, that’s a good way to get an STD unless you’re having sex with the same person 5 times in a single week. That kind of thing might happen in fantasy land, but here in America…

There are 2 theories behind why this works: 1) the nut-busting cleans potentially hazardous material out of the ducts, hence the finishing phrase “these pipes are clean.” 2) Blazing frequently may allow the prostate glands to mature and become resilient to carcinogens.

Also we learned that outside of being a cancer magnet and a reason for doctors to probe a grown man’s anus, the prostate produces a fluid that “activates sperm” and keeps them from sticking together.