What Happens to the Non-Deal-Breakers?

by Pauline Jennings

A girlfriend (Teri) and I were talking about dating. Specifically, I was asking about the latest guy she dated and doesn’t want to date anymore. “Too many deal breakers,” she dismissed. “Okay,” I pushed, “list ‘em.” And so she did. Half way through, I got a pen.

Here are some:
He swore
He called his mom, “Momma”
He socks were really stained
His breath smelled
He smoked when he drank a lot
He was often late
He was a sloppy dresser
He was sloppy
He laughed out loud at movies
He answered his home phone with, “What’s up?”
He drove too fast
He told her to drive faster
(there were more)

“Stop! What in god’s name are you looking for? A man or a robot? Most of these aren’t deal breakers, Teri, they’re quirks, for crying out loud.” I was sort of yelling and sort of laughing. I mean, can you imagine? She retorted, “What the hell happens to all of the non-deal breaking irritants after you get married, Pauline, huh? From the looks of most relationships, these quirky little nuisances all add up to marriage breakers. They do! I’ve seen it. The big things get fixed, the little things grow until they smother you!”

Well, I had to stop there. I was silent. Had no retort, no reply, no…..ADVICE! I mean, we have to ignore all of these little goofy, untamed, ungroomed, unsophisticated, odd behaviors we have or no one would ever get together. Don’t we? If not, our species would die out, I’m sure of it. We are all too riddled with failings to be scrutinized by un-accepting eyes.

And then it hit me. It is not our little mistakes and flaws that doom our relationships. We all get to have flaws, dammit, and we all should be with someone that accepts them, dammit. This is what I told Teri: we might say that we fight about the small stuff, but it’s still the big stuff/hurts/jealousies/lies/etc underneath that allow us to be bothered with the small. She didn’t know if she bought it, but I smiled.