Virgin Galactic To Do First Space Wedding

by Tom Miller

Oh, Branson, you are a mad man. When you stole the cow and your buddy tried to make it with the cow, we want to party with you, cowboy. Sorry. It looks like the world’s favorite maverick billionaire (it’s true, Mark Cuban), Richard Branson is looking to pull off another first. Next year his spaceline, Virgin Galactic, is going to marry a couple in space.

They’ll fly their space plane into a sub-orbit 70 miles above the Earth’s surface and Sir Richard Branson (AKA ordained Minister Richard Branson) will marry Dimitrios Papadognonas and Coco Jones (to each other) on the flight from San Francisco to Las Vegas. According to the Daily Mail, Branson married Google Guy Larry Page earlier this year (to Lucy Southworth, there’s not a license yet to marry yourself to a person), so he’s got this refereeing weddings bit down pat. We wonder if he’s going to demand primae noctis. As sovereign lord of space, it’s well within his rights.

Somewhere Lance Bass is punching a hole in a wall; “C’mon, Branson! This could have killed 3 birds with 1 stone. Cement your status as a rebel, gotten me into space, and taken my sweet ass off the market. I could have found some dude willing to marry me. Every time that we promote a Greek dude marrying some blond chick in space, the conservatives win. I can marry a Greek dude.”

A low space wedding is pretty impressive; we want to see someone take a space honeymoon. Some dudes are promised elaborate sexual fantasies on their honeymoon, this, though, would be the quickest way Uranus. THANK YOU, we’ll be here all week.