Male Problems Blamed On The Miniskirt

by Tom Miller

Finally, someone has the courage to say it. According to the Russian ‘news site’ Pravda (Russian for ‘truth’), the esteemed physiologist Leonid Kitaev-Smyk is theorizing that most skimpy outfits on women cause a number of ‘male’ problems. Kitaev-Smyk’s theory is that unrequited male arousal is a precursor to a number of maladies.

He compared data about prostate cancer in European and American men with that of Middle Eastern men. The westerners had more of it, by his calculations, and he theorizes that it has nothing to do with diet. It was all to do with the attire of the female populace. He estimates that 70% of impotency problems have to do with unsatisfied urges. And gives an example that a woman with a risqué outfit can only satisfy one guy and makes the dozens that see her mad with lust (evidently, he’s never seen Japanese porn).

We only have one thing to say about this: bravo. Finally, someone has the courage to say what every halfway intelligent man has always been thinking. Modern women with their wanton ways and their salacious clothing have wreaked havoc on the male sense of propriety, men over the age of 18 are not supposed to get NEs (non-essential erections). All that wantin’ and wantin’ without havin’ cain’t be kept up indefinitely. Think about it, the thong underpant singlehandedly took down the Clinton presidency. It’s too bad that some Amazonian goon will probably kill the good Doctor Kitaev-Smyk before he can spread his message, ironically using her sexuality. No word on what percentage of prostate problems occur as a result of open toed shoes and foot fetishes. We wonder how the Pentavirate (the five families that secretly rule the world) let this happen or was it their plan to return to times of Victorian virtue all along? It’s awfully hard to run an empire when you’ve got the blue balls.

PS: The last paragraph is satire, so keep it in your pants.