Living Apart: The Key To Wedded Bliss?

by Catie Lazarus

Not all LATs are rich, even if they include a share of independent celebrities couples such as Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton. “Money would be a terrible reason to live together,” says Jim, who continues to work part time editing books. When he and Jane go out, they split the bill and each pays their own mortgage. Jane says they are still “interdependent and interconnected” and invest their own money into the relationship. This past weekend they traveled to his granddaughter’s college graduation; next week they will go to her son’s. And Jane worries about the cost as well as the effect of their “carbon footprint.” The two have discussed ways to cut down on the cost of oil and gas of operating two homes.

While not environmentally prudent, experts do see advantages to living apart. If there are children involved from a previous marriage, especially ones who may be troubled or living at home, psychologist Dr. Joan Levine says that separate homes “seem to work. Even when one person wants to live together and the other does not.” Dr. William Pinsof, a family psychologist and President of Northwestern University’s Family Institute sees LATs as nothing out of the norm. “From a psychological viewpoint, it is hard to imagine the value of defining any major social group that is not physically or emotionally harming itself or others as deviant or undesirable,” he says.

Yet the LATs still feel a bit taboo. Some LAT couples interviewed worried “coming out” ould harm their work reputation with colleagues and clients. “I don’t want my students to look at this the wrong way,” Jane says. Meanwhile, Celina fears the her unorthodox lease/relationship status could threaten her rent stabilized apartment.

In the 1950’s, married couples on TV shows like I Love Lucy and Leave It to Beaver slept in separate beds to reinforce their sense of their morality and prudence. When the film Terms of Endearment came out in 1983, it was a breakthrough in multiple ways, including Aurora Greenway (Shirley McLaine) choosing to keep separates homes after becoming romantically involved with her neighbor, Garrett Breedlove (Jack Nicholson). Over twenty-three years later, real couples living independently—in an effort to preserve a relationship—remain a minority, but any challenges are worth it for its devotees. “I like to wake up alone,” says Jim. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want love.”

And not all LATs find themselves living apart for the same reason. Researchers at Oxford and University of Leeds purport three distinct sub-groups: “undecidedly apart,” “regretfully apart,” and “happily apart.” The LATs who are “undecidedly apart” are monogamous, but have no plans for either marriage or separation. Some are like Jim, who, after two less-than-perfect attempts at happily-ever-after, says, “At this point marriage would be absurd.”