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Black and Female: Destined To Be Single?
Why marrying within your race is bigger than black and white.
by Carol Taylor
Is there a crisis in black relationships? Despite millions of examples of loving couples, black women and men still have negative perceptions of each other. As a successful black woman in her 30s, marriage is on my mind. So I set out to find out where these perceptions came from—and if they are true.
Donna L. Franklin’s 2001 book, What’s Love Got to Do with It?, shows that 7 out of 10 black mothers give negative messages to their daughters about black men. Did my mom give me negative messages about black men? No, she didn’t have to. I got them from watching my parents’ relationship.
My father was a “player” proving his manhood through multiple families and women as so many West Indian men of a his generation did. My father’s philandering definitely had an impact on how I viewed men in general and black men in particular: They were duplicitous, cheaters, liars who used black women, really all women for their own needs and egos. I would see this again when my brother cheated repeatedly on his wife and then left her for—you guessed it—a white woman. This is probably why I’m still unmarried, that and because I can’t seem to find any black men to date in my social circle.
As a successful black woman in corporate America I had a very hard time finding black men who understood and weren’t intimidated by my busy lifestyle, weren’t already dating or married to white women and who weren’t gay. When I left the corporate world, and moved to black-man-friendly Brooklyn, I had a much easier time finding black men, unfortunately far too many of them were players. I’ll admit though, I’d often choose a “bad boy” over a good prospective partner and have a bad experience, which then created a bad perception. That said, it seemed the odds were often stacked against me: 9 out of 10 times, the good-looking, smart, articulate, cultured black men I met were in multiple relationships, or either had a girlfriend or were married and “forgot” to tell me. In fact, had it not been for the tattoo of his wife’s name on his arm, I might not have known that the last man I was out on a date with was married.
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1 The Movement // Jun 9, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Ms. Taylor in her opening paragraph states “…black women and men still have negative perceptions of each other.” What really has happened is that black men and women have an undeclared civil war against one another. All your misperceptions about black men will be shattered in the BEST BLACK DOCUMENTARY OF 2007 entitled “What Black Men Think.” If you think there are more black men in jail than in college - think again. If you think more black men are married to white women than black - think again. If you think more black men are gay or on the down low - think again. I urge you to buy this documentary and share it with those in your circle. It can change your life, at the minimum your perception, and perception is reality. Please visit www.whatblackmenthink.com fpr more information on this earth shattering and truth telling documentary.
2 Tina // Jun 6, 2008 at 4:05 pm
I understand that there is a history that goes with the perception of black men and women in this country which is really rather unfortunate. But what I don’t understand is why this discussion on relationships has to parallel the Black and White tensions.
If you had said something similar to black men seem to prefer dating outside the race, that would’ve been more acceptable. I’m not white, but it bothers me that you’re making it sound like the only choices for black men are either black women or white women.
Other than that, I really don’t see what exactly you were trying to find out, as you put it, in writing this piece. While you say you’re trying to pursue a valid investigation you aren’t keeping in mind that you’re generalizing and heaping black men and black women together–which is exactly the problem, I think.
3 Barry // Jun 2, 2008 at 12:17 pm
You clearly have a bias on display about black people dating outside of their race. And you try to excuse your prejudice with the tired old “I asked my white girlfriend” line similar to the “Im not racist, I have a black best friend” b.s. that many whites use. That being said, instead of blaming extrinsic factors like society, the media, statistics, and white women; maybe you should take a long hard look at yourself. Have you ever thought that men might not like a woman that harbors such bitter, self serving thoughts as yourself?
4 Jess // Jun 2, 2008 at 9:43 am
I think the solution for black women is to get out of that ridiculous “nothing-but-a-black-man” mentality and open themselves to other races of partners the way Asian women - or even black men - have done.
My partner is a white male and I never regret my choice, nor does he.