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Black and Female: Destined To Be Single?
Why marrying within your race is bigger than black and white.
by Carol Taylor
My own experiences aside, harmful media stereotypes of black people don’t help. Negative images of black men, and black families are presented as the norm on an almost daily basis. Often prejudiced and manufactured statistics depicting disproportionate numbers of black men in prisons and numerous single mother or broken homes continue to show blacks in a negative light. Harmful stereotypes of black women by black men as being “aggressive,” “harsh,” and “hard” haven’t helped black relationships either. But when did black men and black women become frenemies? When did splintering off to date outside the race, looking for a successful partner anywhere but within black America and proliferating the myths that black men are “players” and black women are “emasculating” become the norm?
These questions plague me now at the end of my 30s, engaged to a black man I consider my equal in many ways, but with whom I struggle daily to make the relationship work. At 44 he’s dated a number of white women whom he’s found to be more nurturing, softer and a lot more understanding of his struggles as a black man than—wait for it—many black women. Yep, you heard right. I could have asked him why he thinks white women are so much more nurturing–considering so many black women raising their children. Instead, I asked my white girlfriend who has dated a lot of black men if it’s true, that even though we’re both ambitious and outspoken, that she’s so very different than I am.
What she told me was surprising: She’d heard the same thing from a lot of the black guys she’d dated, but it seemed to her that many of these men weren’t interested in working very hard, either in the relationship or in general. It seemed to me that this was something they could get away with, with white women, but most black women just weren’t having it. Subsequently, this made us demanding, hard, and emasculating.
So how can I be strong and independent but still cater to my man’s sense of himself? The answer: find a man with a strong enough sense of himself, so I don’t have to change into who he thinks I should be. What we black women need is for our black men to love us for who we are and not put us down for what we’re not. After all, it was the same strong, independent type of black woman who’d successfully raised many of our black men, and often alone. And what we black women need to do is to be strong enough to be soft and loving first, not to make our black men “earn our trust” but to give it willingly, even if we put ourselves in hurt’s way. We have to lower the barriers we’ve erected because we’ve been hurt by men who’ve abused or used us, or our mothers.
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1 The Movement // Jun 9, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Ms. Taylor in her opening paragraph states “…black women and men still have negative perceptions of each other.” What really has happened is that black men and women have an undeclared civil war against one another. All your misperceptions about black men will be shattered in the BEST BLACK DOCUMENTARY OF 2007 entitled “What Black Men Think.” If you think there are more black men in jail than in college - think again. If you think more black men are married to white women than black - think again. If you think more black men are gay or on the down low - think again. I urge you to buy this documentary and share it with those in your circle. It can change your life, at the minimum your perception, and perception is reality. Please visit www.whatblackmenthink.com fpr more information on this earth shattering and truth telling documentary.
2 Tina // Jun 6, 2008 at 4:05 pm
I understand that there is a history that goes with the perception of black men and women in this country which is really rather unfortunate. But what I don’t understand is why this discussion on relationships has to parallel the Black and White tensions.
If you had said something similar to black men seem to prefer dating outside the race, that would’ve been more acceptable. I’m not white, but it bothers me that you’re making it sound like the only choices for black men are either black women or white women.
Other than that, I really don’t see what exactly you were trying to find out, as you put it, in writing this piece. While you say you’re trying to pursue a valid investigation you aren’t keeping in mind that you’re generalizing and heaping black men and black women together–which is exactly the problem, I think.
3 Barry // Jun 2, 2008 at 12:17 pm
You clearly have a bias on display about black people dating outside of their race. And you try to excuse your prejudice with the tired old “I asked my white girlfriend” line similar to the “Im not racist, I have a black best friend” b.s. that many whites use. That being said, instead of blaming extrinsic factors like society, the media, statistics, and white women; maybe you should take a long hard look at yourself. Have you ever thought that men might not like a woman that harbors such bitter, self serving thoughts as yourself?
4 Jess // Jun 2, 2008 at 9:43 am
I think the solution for black women is to get out of that ridiculous “nothing-but-a-black-man” mentality and open themselves to other races of partners the way Asian women - or even black men - have done.
My partner is a white male and I never regret my choice, nor does he.