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Honey, I Want to Sleep With Other People
How to start a conversation about opening your marriage.
by Jenny Block
That, of course, can be difficult when it comes to this subject, as some people believe that it isn’t possible to be in love with more than one person at a time or to have sex with people outside of a primary, committed relationship. But it is possible. Maybe not for everyone. But there are lots of successful “alternative” relationships out there. And that should be an assurance to you both.
The trick is this: you have to be willing to bare your soul and accept that you don’t have control over what your partner’s response might be.
Before you talk to him or her though, it’s vital that you do some soul searching of your own. That is, to identify what it is you are truly seeking. Do you want to simply sleep with other people? Do you want to fall in love with other people? Are you ok with the thought of your partner doing these things? What might that look like in your life? Are you interested in being swingers, in being polyamorous, in living in a group marriage?
Are you still in love with your current partner? Are you really looking for a way out of your marriage or relationship?
Do your homework. Read the books. Visit the websites. Spend time thinking about what it is that you really want. You will have lots to explore and learn together once you broach the subject. But your partner’s going to have questions – a lot of them. And you need to have at least a few of the answers.
When you do finally talk to him or her, be sure it is in a calm, happy environment when neither of you are in a hurry to get somewhere or are already stressed to the max about other things. And you certainly don’t want to bring it up during a fight.
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1 Some Guy // Aug 14, 2008 at 11:54 am
Nancy,
He’s not going to leave his wife for you, and you’re damned lucky that he won’t. If he’ll cheat *with* you, he’ll also cheat *on* you.
Grow up, get some self-respect, and quit living on another woman’s leftovers.
2 Some Guy // Aug 14, 2008 at 11:52 am
If your spouse wants to sleep around, the solution is clear: end the marriage, immediately.
Lots of people in this world are too immature to be married, and there is no clearer indication of this than bitching about how they want to get some on the side.
Anita, if you want to be a Heinlein character and jump anything that moves, have fun. Just don’t pretend that you have anything that can possibly be described as a mature relationship.
3 Barry // Jul 3, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Anita Wagner, you should get together with Jenny Block so you can spend more time agreeing with one another. Who knows, maybe the only monogamous relationship you ladies could be happy with is with someone who hates monogamy as much as you two.
4 nancy // Jun 17, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I am a divorsed lady who loves a married man with this same situation.I am miserable & so is he, but it happens in life wheather he gets a divorse or not I will always love him for who he is.
Signed the other woman
5 Keith In Brooklyn // Jun 11, 2008 at 12:35 pm
My partner and I have been together for nearly 25 years and still love each other madly. I am also in a very loving relationship that is going on 8 years. While this situation may not work for everyone, it works for us.
In “justifying” my lifestyle to a friend who thought I was living a lie and just couldn’t understand my feelings, I came up with a metaphor that seemed apt:
I live in New York City and have ever since I came here to go to college in 1982. I LOVE my city. I love all the things to do, the sights, the smells, the diversity, and just about everything else this glorious city has to offer. Nonetheless, having an oversized love for NYC does not restrict me from visiting Paris every so often and embracing its sights and smells. I know that when my vacation is over in a week or two that I will be returning to the beloved arms of my fair city. NYC doesn’t scorn me for visiting Paris. It merely wishes I had a good time while I was away and it welcomes me home.
The point is that love is not a limited resource. Just as one can love his or her children or friends differently, one can hold different kinds of love in the realm of romance. Again, this may not work for everyone, but I am not everyone. I am me, just as you are you. If it works for you, and you aren’t hurting anyone (openness and honesty are prerequisites for this kind of lifestyle), then that should be your only concern.
Keith
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