Rebound: Life After Divorce & Addiction

by Matthew Andrews

“Mom, I’m physically okay. No one has been hurt. But I’ve got a very big problem.”

Through gritted teeth, I told her. I was outside my body again looking down at the Saab from above, waiting for my mother’s response. She was stunned. I heard frustration in her voice; she was mostly worried about my safety. As we talked, there was a microscopic relaxation of the terror in my chest. I forgot for a second where I was and what was going on. Then it all came back to me, opening fresh wounds. When I hung up, I had no idea what to do next.

I turned the ignition on and started driving. My brother and his wife owned a condominium and two children close in age to my own. I stood outside their front door, my face still wet, desperate for human contact. My brother answered the door. Two years my elder, he and I had fought and competed in the past. But I lurched forward then, in desperate need of support. I held onto him for dear life.

“Matt, what the hell happened?” he asked. I started to tell him. Each time I repeated what Erin has said about my never seeing my kids again, I sobbed hysterically.

“I can’t take it. What have I done?” I told him I had no place to stay and only the clothes on my back. He reassured me that I could spend the night. After several hours of this conversation, he went to the kitchen to make a phone call. He talked to our sister in a whisper. I strained to overhear him say to her, “Do you think he is suicidal? What signs should I look for?”