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The One That Got Away
What happens when an open relationship suddenly becomes closed?
by Dan Eldridge
The trip had been entirely my idea. I had hatched the plan a few months earlier, when, completely out of the blue, a brief note from Nancy appeared in my email inbox. The note was something of a surprise, because although Nancy and I had done freelance work for the same music magazine in Seattle four years earlier, the truth was that we weren’t actually friends. We barely knew each other, in fact. We were introduced by the magazine’s editor, and we talked a bit once, at a party. But eventually we both left town and moved to separate cities, and I don’t think we had exchanged so much as one word in the years since.
Which isn’t to say she hadn’t been on my mind from time to time. In fact, here’s an embarrassing yet entirely true confession: To this day, I do a Google image search for Nancy about once a week, just so I can stare slack-jawed at the passport-photo sized image of her that appears on my monitor. Yes, I realize that sounds frighteningly near to stalker behavior. My pulse always quickens when her photo pops up, and eventually I have to force myself to look away. Usually I feel horribly guilty afterwards, because my fiancée is often in the next room over, watching television in our bed, and waiting for me to turn off the computer, and to join her under the covers for the night.
A few weeks after getting Nancy’s email, I got mildly drunk by myself at home, which was what it took for me to gather the courage necessary to pick up my cell phone and dial her number. The reason Nancy had decided to email me in the first place, she said, was because she had been thinking about moving to Turkey to teach art. And since I’d once taught English in Istanbul, she figured I’d probably be good for a few travel tips. That was how she explained it, at least. Of course, I knew deep down that there had to be another reason she’d reached out. Because like I said, we barely knew each other.
I was midway through my third beer by the time I managed to gather up enough courage to dial Nancy’s number. She let the phone ring and ring before picking up.
We talked about Turkey for awhile – about what life was like there. Eventually I managed to steer the conversation into heavier territory: What was the story with her last boyfriend? What was she doing with her life? What did she really think about her job? With women, this has always been the sole conversational area in which I shine — existential stuff, you might say. And as usual, it worked: Not long after that phone conversation, Nancy invited me to visit her in Baltimore. She’d recently purchased her very first home, and she lived there all by herself, with only her dog, Lou, to keep her company. She told me I could stay for a night or two.
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1 Agile Cyborg // Jul 28, 2008 at 10:21 pm
@Jess,
A woman should do exactly what to insure an optimal level of self-respect in regards to open relationship issues that may arise due to the husband actively seeking this type of arrangement?
Divorce the husband for his wickedness?
You propose that a committed relationship would fail due to the rigors of an emotionally-taxing marital openness.
I would suggest that the foundations of commitment and emotional stability found within some marriages can be removed with far more precision through the action of divorce.
Unjustified fear is the lifeblood of superstition and relational control mechanisms.
2 sdfkads // Jun 28, 2008 at 1:09 pm
You seem way too immature to be in a relationship. You need to re-evaluate your needs, this article basically talks about how you really hate your fiancee. I find it sad.
3 Interesting Thought // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:53 am
Something about you really bothers me and I’ll make it a point to stay away from your articles from now on. See, I’m a genuinely happy, monogamous person in an incredible relationship. Still, I find other people’s lives and beliefs, even if they are different than mine, to be fascinating. After all, we all - with our different relationships, religions, political affiliations, etc - live together in this world. So, I enjoy learning about other people’s lifestyles even if they live differently than I do and/or I don’t agree with their lifestyles.
But when I come across sentences like
“I guess I was pretending that both of us were bigger and better people for not being in a monogamous relationship.”
and
“There we were, two supposedly superior beings, acting like a gaggle of bratty, snot-nosed children. ”
I can’t help but think that people like you are the ignorant people that make this world what it is. You can live your life the way you’d like, but when you think that you are “bigger” and “better” and “superior” to those who don’t live the way you do, that’s when you cross the line. Why can’t it be that you just live DIFFERENTLY and not BETTER because you choose a non-monogamous lifestyle?
I’ve read the comments on Tango and I see that many people vehemently disagree with and judge open lifestyles. For the most part, I don’t think what turns them off is the actual lifestyle… I think it’s the attitudes of the actual members of the lifestyle that turn them off to the idea of “open.”
See, I don’t mind reading about open relationships even though I don’t live that way. What turns me off about it is people like you in open relationships that think themselves superior to those that are monogamous. THAT is where the problem lies.
Judgment and hate stem from ideologies of superiority. Well, I for one will tell you that you, Dan, are NOT better or more superior than I am just because I’m monogamous.
In fact, I’d argue that I am more evolved and bigger and better because I, unlike you, respect people of all lifestyles and think of them as my equals in this world.
We all live DIFFERENTLY… NOT BETTER OR WORSE than anyone else.
4 Dan // Jun 17, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Thanks for your comment, Jess. I always appreciate hearing from readers, no matter what they think of my (admittedly unusual!) situation. And by the way, if you’d like to read the other five essays from this series, just go to: tangomag.com/marriage-without-monogamy
5 Jess // Jun 17, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I think open relationships are wrong. I have nothing against gay marriage and am in an interracial relationship, but this type of relationship is too taxing on the emotions and the foundations of a commitment and is not something I can support. Just look at Johnny Knoxville - his open marriage still failed. Just because you let your husband f*ck around on you doesn’t mean he won’t leave you. I think women in this type of arrangement should have some more self-respect.