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The One That Got Away
What happens when an open relationship suddenly becomes closed?
by Dan Eldridge
When I told Carrie, my fiancée, why I was going to Baltimore, and when Carrie then invited herself along for the ride – she had a childhood friend there, she told me, and they hadn’t seen each other for awhile – I knew in my gut that it wasn’t a good idea. Carrie and I have always had an open relationship policy, as regular readers of this column are no doubt well aware. But even in our earliest days of dating there were occasional and obvious feelings of jealously on both sides. And yet this was my first open relationship – I had never experienced anything like it before – and I was almost addicted to the feelings it inspired in me: Desirability, for one. I felt unique. I felt like an individual. And I loved being out and about in public with Carrie, with the private knowledge that we were doing something that required serious reserves of discipline and emotional control.
I guess that was why I told Carrie it would be great to have her along for the trip, even though I had strong suspicions to the contrary. I guess I was pretending that both of us were bigger and better people for not being in a monogamous relationship. I was pretending that we could handle anything.
By the time I finally caught up with Nancy on my first night in Baltimore, I was an emotional wreck, and I told her as much. Carrie and I had been awful to each other throughout the entire ride, and every word that came out of Carrie’s mouth seemed specially designed to make me feel like the world’s most uncaring boyfriend. I don’t remember many of the specifics, but Carrie quite clearly knew what I had in mind for Nancy, and the jealousy was practically dripping from her very pores. But instead of fighting back, I tried to use my schoolbook psychology to deflect her anger: I laughed in a cruel sort of way, and I poked fun at her.
“Correct me if I’m wrong,” I said, doing my best to sound unaffected and mean, “but I was under the impression that we had an open relationship. So… is there something going on here that I’m not understanding?”
It went on like that for the entire ride: Carrie huffing and puffing, and angry enough to burst. And me, forcing out a series of fake laughs, and refusing to make eye contact. There we were, two supposedly superior beings, acting like a gaggle of bratty, snot-nosed children. And all because I was obsessed with getting laid, and because Carrie had caught a glimpse of the elastic waistband on my new underwear. The entire situation was ridiculous. We were ridiculous.
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1 Agile Cyborg // Jul 28, 2008 at 10:21 pm
@Jess,
A woman should do exactly what to insure an optimal level of self-respect in regards to open relationship issues that may arise due to the husband actively seeking this type of arrangement?
Divorce the husband for his wickedness?
You propose that a committed relationship would fail due to the rigors of an emotionally-taxing marital openness.
I would suggest that the foundations of commitment and emotional stability found within some marriages can be removed with far more precision through the action of divorce.
Unjustified fear is the lifeblood of superstition and relational control mechanisms.
2 sdfkads // Jun 28, 2008 at 1:09 pm
You seem way too immature to be in a relationship. You need to re-evaluate your needs, this article basically talks about how you really hate your fiancee. I find it sad.
3 Interesting Thought // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:53 am
Something about you really bothers me and I’ll make it a point to stay away from your articles from now on. See, I’m a genuinely happy, monogamous person in an incredible relationship. Still, I find other people’s lives and beliefs, even if they are different than mine, to be fascinating. After all, we all - with our different relationships, religions, political affiliations, etc - live together in this world. So, I enjoy learning about other people’s lifestyles even if they live differently than I do and/or I don’t agree with their lifestyles.
But when I come across sentences like
“I guess I was pretending that both of us were bigger and better people for not being in a monogamous relationship.”
and
“There we were, two supposedly superior beings, acting like a gaggle of bratty, snot-nosed children. ”
I can’t help but think that people like you are the ignorant people that make this world what it is. You can live your life the way you’d like, but when you think that you are “bigger” and “better” and “superior” to those who don’t live the way you do, that’s when you cross the line. Why can’t it be that you just live DIFFERENTLY and not BETTER because you choose a non-monogamous lifestyle?
I’ve read the comments on Tango and I see that many people vehemently disagree with and judge open lifestyles. For the most part, I don’t think what turns them off is the actual lifestyle… I think it’s the attitudes of the actual members of the lifestyle that turn them off to the idea of “open.”
See, I don’t mind reading about open relationships even though I don’t live that way. What turns me off about it is people like you in open relationships that think themselves superior to those that are monogamous. THAT is where the problem lies.
Judgment and hate stem from ideologies of superiority. Well, I for one will tell you that you, Dan, are NOT better or more superior than I am just because I’m monogamous.
In fact, I’d argue that I am more evolved and bigger and better because I, unlike you, respect people of all lifestyles and think of them as my equals in this world.
We all live DIFFERENTLY… NOT BETTER OR WORSE than anyone else.
4 Dan // Jun 17, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Thanks for your comment, Jess. I always appreciate hearing from readers, no matter what they think of my (admittedly unusual!) situation. And by the way, if you’d like to read the other five essays from this series, just go to: tangomag.com/marriage-without-monogamy
5 Jess // Jun 17, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I think open relationships are wrong. I have nothing against gay marriage and am in an interracial relationship, but this type of relationship is too taxing on the emotions and the foundations of a commitment and is not something I can support. Just look at Johnny Knoxville - his open marriage still failed. Just because you let your husband f*ck around on you doesn’t mean he won’t leave you. I think women in this type of arrangement should have some more self-respect.