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The One That Got Away
What happens when an open relationship suddenly becomes closed?
by Dan Eldridge
My evening with Nancy didn’t exactly turn out as planned. We started the night at a hipster bar, and then moved on to a karaoke bar, but because she had a half-dozen friends in tow (someone was celebrating a birthday), I wasn’t entirely sure how to behave. Should I focus all my attention on Nancy and ignore her friends, thereby coming across as potentially rude but clearly interested? Or should I maybe go for something a bit more aloof? Should I chat up her friends, and attempt to disguise the fact that all I really wanted was to throw Nancy up against the nearest wall, and to press my body into hers?
I went with aloof. And thankfully, Nancy’s friends were fascinating people – most were musicians and artists. A week later, after Carrie and I had returned home and apologized to each other for acting so badly, I emailed Nancy and then got an email from her in return. “Aloof,” as it turned out, hadn’t been the wisest choice. Here’s an excerpt:
“I was actually very surprised to get your email on thurs, it didn’t seem like you were enjoying my company while you were here. At the bar you seemed distracted and then at my house you spoke of how much you are in love with Carrie for 3 hours. So of course after you left I thought nothing of the possibility of you and I.”
She was right, of course. After we’d said goodnight to Nancy’s friends and gone back to her house, I found myself in the familiar and awkward position of not having anything to talk about. It was true that we had a few things in common, sure. But on the other hand, we hadn’t seen each other in over four years. Not to mention the fact that we’d never gotten to know each other in the first place. But since we’d both had more than a few beers at the karaoke bar, I decided to turn the conversation sexual. I figured that if I shared the odd details of my relationship, considering how unusual they really were, Nancy would see me as a risk taker. Or at least as someone who knew how to loosen up and have fun, even though on the outside I was clearly a bundle of nervous and compulsive energy.
But like I said, the evening didn’t go exactly as I’d planned. Nancy didn’t seem to be fascinated by my stories at all. At least, not the way most people were. She seemed almost disappointed. It was as if she was realizing that the same person she once thought of as unique and unconventional was clearly just another nut.
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1 Agile Cyborg // Jul 28, 2008 at 10:21 pm
@Jess,
A woman should do exactly what to insure an optimal level of self-respect in regards to open relationship issues that may arise due to the husband actively seeking this type of arrangement?
Divorce the husband for his wickedness?
You propose that a committed relationship would fail due to the rigors of an emotionally-taxing marital openness.
I would suggest that the foundations of commitment and emotional stability found within some marriages can be removed with far more precision through the action of divorce.
Unjustified fear is the lifeblood of superstition and relational control mechanisms.
2 sdfkads // Jun 28, 2008 at 1:09 pm
You seem way too immature to be in a relationship. You need to re-evaluate your needs, this article basically talks about how you really hate your fiancee. I find it sad.
3 Interesting Thought // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:53 am
Something about you really bothers me and I’ll make it a point to stay away from your articles from now on. See, I’m a genuinely happy, monogamous person in an incredible relationship. Still, I find other people’s lives and beliefs, even if they are different than mine, to be fascinating. After all, we all - with our different relationships, religions, political affiliations, etc - live together in this world. So, I enjoy learning about other people’s lifestyles even if they live differently than I do and/or I don’t agree with their lifestyles.
But when I come across sentences like
“I guess I was pretending that both of us were bigger and better people for not being in a monogamous relationship.”
and
“There we were, two supposedly superior beings, acting like a gaggle of bratty, snot-nosed children. ”
I can’t help but think that people like you are the ignorant people that make this world what it is. You can live your life the way you’d like, but when you think that you are “bigger” and “better” and “superior” to those who don’t live the way you do, that’s when you cross the line. Why can’t it be that you just live DIFFERENTLY and not BETTER because you choose a non-monogamous lifestyle?
I’ve read the comments on Tango and I see that many people vehemently disagree with and judge open lifestyles. For the most part, I don’t think what turns them off is the actual lifestyle… I think it’s the attitudes of the actual members of the lifestyle that turn them off to the idea of “open.”
See, I don’t mind reading about open relationships even though I don’t live that way. What turns me off about it is people like you in open relationships that think themselves superior to those that are monogamous. THAT is where the problem lies.
Judgment and hate stem from ideologies of superiority. Well, I for one will tell you that you, Dan, are NOT better or more superior than I am just because I’m monogamous.
In fact, I’d argue that I am more evolved and bigger and better because I, unlike you, respect people of all lifestyles and think of them as my equals in this world.
We all live DIFFERENTLY… NOT BETTER OR WORSE than anyone else.
4 Dan // Jun 17, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Thanks for your comment, Jess. I always appreciate hearing from readers, no matter what they think of my (admittedly unusual!) situation. And by the way, if you’d like to read the other five essays from this series, just go to: tangomag.com/marriage-without-monogamy
5 Jess // Jun 17, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I think open relationships are wrong. I have nothing against gay marriage and am in an interracial relationship, but this type of relationship is too taxing on the emotions and the foundations of a commitment and is not something I can support. Just look at Johnny Knoxville - his open marriage still failed. Just because you let your husband f*ck around on you doesn’t mean he won’t leave you. I think women in this type of arrangement should have some more self-respect.