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The One That Got Away
What happens when an open relationship suddenly becomes closed?
by Dan Eldridge
This is one of the final paragraphs from her email:
“Your relationship with Carrie is very complex. Even after you describing the dynamics in detail I still don’t understand it, and getting caught in the middle of it doesn’t seem like a healthy choice for me. It would be great to know you more but I don’t think now is the time.”
It took a little while before Carrie and I were able to talk about the trip in calm, relaxed tones, and without both of us blowing up and accusing each other of being unreasonable. But eventually we got over it together, more or less. And Carrie finally gave me an honest explanation as to why she was so angry about my infatuation with Nancy. The details were a little complicated, of course. But the short version is that she thought I was trying to make Nancy my girlfriend, and naturally, that scared her. My attraction to Nancy, she told me, was quite obviously about something much more than just the possibility of sex. And she was right. It was.
These are the last two sentences from Nancy’s email:
“I agree that it would be good to see each other again under different circumstances. Let’s keep in touch and I wish you luck also.”
Dan Eldridge is the author of Moon Handbooks Pittsburgh (Avalon Travel), the founding editor of Young Pioneers magazine, and a Lonely Planet guidebook writer. This is Dan’s sixth Marriage Without Monogamy column in a ten-part series; the seventh essay will be published at TangoMag.com in early July. To learn more, visit Dan online at PioneerContent.com and MoonPittsburgh.com.
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1 Agile Cyborg // Jul 28, 2008 at 10:21 pm
@Jess,
A woman should do exactly what to insure an optimal level of self-respect in regards to open relationship issues that may arise due to the husband actively seeking this type of arrangement?
Divorce the husband for his wickedness?
You propose that a committed relationship would fail due to the rigors of an emotionally-taxing marital openness.
I would suggest that the foundations of commitment and emotional stability found within some marriages can be removed with far more precision through the action of divorce.
Unjustified fear is the lifeblood of superstition and relational control mechanisms.
2 sdfkads // Jun 28, 2008 at 1:09 pm
You seem way too immature to be in a relationship. You need to re-evaluate your needs, this article basically talks about how you really hate your fiancee. I find it sad.
3 Interesting Thought // Jun 20, 2008 at 11:53 am
Something about you really bothers me and I’ll make it a point to stay away from your articles from now on. See, I’m a genuinely happy, monogamous person in an incredible relationship. Still, I find other people’s lives and beliefs, even if they are different than mine, to be fascinating. After all, we all - with our different relationships, religions, political affiliations, etc - live together in this world. So, I enjoy learning about other people’s lifestyles even if they live differently than I do and/or I don’t agree with their lifestyles.
But when I come across sentences like
“I guess I was pretending that both of us were bigger and better people for not being in a monogamous relationship.”
and
“There we were, two supposedly superior beings, acting like a gaggle of bratty, snot-nosed children. ”
I can’t help but think that people like you are the ignorant people that make this world what it is. You can live your life the way you’d like, but when you think that you are “bigger” and “better” and “superior” to those who don’t live the way you do, that’s when you cross the line. Why can’t it be that you just live DIFFERENTLY and not BETTER because you choose a non-monogamous lifestyle?
I’ve read the comments on Tango and I see that many people vehemently disagree with and judge open lifestyles. For the most part, I don’t think what turns them off is the actual lifestyle… I think it’s the attitudes of the actual members of the lifestyle that turn them off to the idea of “open.”
See, I don’t mind reading about open relationships even though I don’t live that way. What turns me off about it is people like you in open relationships that think themselves superior to those that are monogamous. THAT is where the problem lies.
Judgment and hate stem from ideologies of superiority. Well, I for one will tell you that you, Dan, are NOT better or more superior than I am just because I’m monogamous.
In fact, I’d argue that I am more evolved and bigger and better because I, unlike you, respect people of all lifestyles and think of them as my equals in this world.
We all live DIFFERENTLY… NOT BETTER OR WORSE than anyone else.
4 Dan // Jun 17, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Thanks for your comment, Jess. I always appreciate hearing from readers, no matter what they think of my (admittedly unusual!) situation. And by the way, if you’d like to read the other five essays from this series, just go to: tangomag.com/marriage-without-monogamy
5 Jess // Jun 17, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I think open relationships are wrong. I have nothing against gay marriage and am in an interracial relationship, but this type of relationship is too taxing on the emotions and the foundations of a commitment and is not something I can support. Just look at Johnny Knoxville - his open marriage still failed. Just because you let your husband f*ck around on you doesn’t mean he won’t leave you. I think women in this type of arrangement should have some more self-respect.