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What Arranged Marriage Can Teach Us
Arranged marriage offers three keys insights into finding true love.
by Reva Seth
Dating and relationship advice from arranged marriages!?
I know, it might sound strange.
But for my book, First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice From The Wisdom of Arranged Marriages (Fireside, 2008) I spent five years researching arranged marriages and talking to over 300 women from Canada, the US, the UK, and across Europe about their experiences.
The majority of women whom I spoke with seemed so confident in their relationships (especially compared to our general environment of relationship angst). Surprisingly, what I was hearing really seemed to apply to my own relationship issues.
My book does not defend arranged marriages or suggest having one (I didn’t!). Instead, it looks at the success of arranged marriages (a 5-7% divorce rate versus the US average of 50%) to see what we can take away from this overlooked tradition to apply to our own dating and relationship lives.
Here, a few valuable lessons I took from the arranged marriage model:
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1 Jan // Nov 18, 2008 at 9:46 pm
I think the whole idea of arranged marriage is bazzar. I am a take charge person, and I can not image being part of an arranged marriage. However, it it works for the parties involved, so be it!
2 S // Jun 27, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Those are two very interesting terms; ‘individual self’ and ‘communal self’ and I think you pinpointed the difference here. I also think the lack of ‘communal self’ is the reason why family ties are not as strong in the US or in Western culture in general. If ‘I don’t like him anymore’ or ‘She doesn’t turn me on anymore’ is reason enough to divorce and break up a family, what exactly does that say about how family is valued here? I’m sorry for Dana, but that 50% divorce rate is there for a reason.
3 TinaGirl // Jun 27, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Interesting topic. How one conceptualizes “self” can differ from culture to culture, and I think this is the barrier to adopting these principles in the US. In India (and other countries), there is encouragement to develop a communal self, that part which is connected and supported by extended family and community. In the US, we don’t have this communal self to the same extent, we emphasize development of an individual self that is differentiated from one’s parents. I do not believe either is better or worse, just very different. I think this would make it very difficult for a family in the US to engage deeply in this process without guidance and areal commitment to let go of ego - and without being a really happy, supportive, healthy family to start with.
4 S // Jun 26, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Reva, I really liked this article and please don’t get discouraged by some of the comments above. It is true that arranged marriage has its own pluspoints and that we can learn from each other. I personally kind of like the idea of having a system that picks out a great guy without the girl having to sell herself short. This is in no way similar to ’selling your daughters’ or some crap like that; it just means there’s a systematic way of finding a guy with characteristics most girls in the West look for too; smart, educated, well-placed and from a good family. At least girls in such systems don’t have to sleep with dozens of men, go through the emotional stress of hooking up & breaking up several times before finally settling for ‘the one’. To me the Western marriage results from personal choice and arranged marriages are more of a collective choice where the whole family thinks for you. But if you have a loving family, can that really be so bad?
5 Dana // Jun 25, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I wish people would quit harping about our fifty percent divorce rate. That’s fifty percent of ALL marriages. Think about that for a minute. Are all marriages first marriages? No. And subsequent marriages are more likely to fail. If you think about how averages are figured, that means a majority of first marriages in the United States do *not* end in divorce. That’s pretty good, considering how easy it is to get divorced now!
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