Hell. Fury. Scorned Woman. A Branding.

by Tom Miller

Hachi machi. We saw this story from late last week and had to live with it all weekend. Jezebel referred to this story as the one-night brand. A woman, let’s call her Kristina Caban, went home with a dude who we’ll call Sammy Sara. Things went down, genitals presumably did high-fives, and we’re assuming unrealistic promises were made. Then the next day, no phone call. The day after that; no phone call. This no phone call bit went on for a few years and Ms. Caban had enough with the no phone calls. She did what any interested women would have done years ago, she called him. It is the 1990’s, so whatever. She invited dude to a hotel room for a nooner and instead he got tasered, tied up, and branded with letter ‘R.’ Interestingly, Ms. Caban’s boyf, whom we’ll refer to as Robert Testagrossa, and an unnamed man were the ones that actually committed the assault.

We’re not sure if there is a picture next to the definition of ‘irony’ in the dictionary, but getting tased, bound, and branded when expecting sex probably wouldn’t work. Maybe it would be a good photo to put by ‘ambush’ or ‘obsess much.’ So, these latter-day Count of Monte Cristos (Caban and Testagrossa) have been sentenced to 5 years in the clink for this. The unnamed flunky remains on the prowl.

And no one’s owning up to what the ‘R’ stands for but we’re guessing ‘Revenge’ or it was the only letter shaped brand that these morons could find on short notice. So, this lady gets a one-night stand, gets no callback, starts dating some other dude, is still viciously pissed, convinces new boyfriend that he needs to defend her honor, and the rest is history. Does new dude not realize he got played? Does he figure this is the only way that she’ll forget about the past? Did they think that Mr. Sara would ‘learn his lesson’ after getting ritually scarred with a hot piece of metal and not call the police? We are willing to bet that he may think twice before engaging in a one-nighter. Screw it, what are the odds of this happening twice? Plus that ‘R’ is probably a good conversation piece. “Oh, it stands for rad. No, I’m kidding. I was kidnapped and branded by this chick for not calling her after hooking up. Like Hester Prynne, sort of.”

There has got to be some crucial piece of information missing that would make this make an iota of sense, right? And there had to be a more humiliating/ legal revenge. Any ideas? Any other ideas on what that ‘R’ might stand for?