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Married or Maiden Name: How To Choose
How to choose a last name that satisfies husband and wife.
by Kelly Utt-Grubb
Married names, like the institution of marriage itself, are not what they used to be.
As women, we’ve heard all about what we’re supposed to do. Whether or not it came directly from our parents, someone told us that taking a man’s last name demonstrates that we’re committed to our marriage. It’s the best thing for our children because everyone knows that a child should have his/her father’s last name. Maybe it was an old lady at church, a nosy neighbor, or your mom’s friend who always has all the answers.
We’ve heard about our options and the inherent difficulties that go along with each. If we keep our names, our in-laws will hate us. If we hyphenate, no one will be able to alphabetize it properly; our medical records will be repeatedly lost. If we take our husband’s last name, we’ll forever feel like a part of our identity was lost, which may or may not be a bigger problem than the missing medical records.
We’ve certainly heard that making the choice sucks. Many of us spend hours weighing the options—even before we’re engaged. We even go so far as to speculate about which celebrity brides will take their husband’s last names. Are we hoping that their choices will somehow provide us a glimpse into a magical crystal ball and reveal a time in the future when this isn’t so damn difficult?
When I got married in 1998 I was young and in love, but I knew that I didn’t want to give up my last name. I spent literally several hours a day thinking about it. I was still in college and so didn’t have to worry about a name change affecting my career, but I couldn’t swallow the idea that I should have to give it up simply because I was female. I mean, come on! I grew up writing this name on the corner of my schoolwork. It was on the back of my soccer jersey in high school, and God only knows how many times my Mom called it (along with my middle name) when I was in some sort of trouble.
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1 Lin // Nov 13, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I subscribe to the “make the choice that makes you happiest/fits you best” motto.
But *do* think about all the choices from the “traditional” to the modern and why those exist.
As a feminist, I can’t see taking one’s husband’s last name as a Feminist choice, even if a feminist makes it.
That *doesn’t* make someone a bad feminist, however. It just doesn’t further the cause, in my eyes.
And that’s fine. Because not every aspect of our lives can be lived for a cause. We have to live for ourselves as well.
So long as people are not manipulated or guilt tripped into a decision, so long as there is discussion and thought put into the decision (we do not make our choices in a vacuum), I don’t see an issue.
2 Jenny // Oct 1, 2008 at 9:46 am
I honestly believe that this issue stays a complete personal idecision. I always wanted to keep my maiden name. When I got married my husband did not feel the same way, needless to say, I decided to take his. After 10 yrs of marraige we got divorced. We had 2 children which obvoiusly had “our” surname. After the divorce I took my maiden name back - for a few reasons. None of which was revenge, seeing that I get along very nicely. I got married again and decided to keep my maiden name. Again for a few reasons. The first reason being my children - they did want me to have another surname although they accept my maiden name as being my surname. Having my husbands daughter from his first marraige also living with us, make it understandable for my children not to want me to change surname. They would feel like the outsiders to a family of 5. I understand where they are coming from and I am happy to keep my maiden name. Maybe one day when they are living their own lives I can consider this again.
3 Gabriella // Sep 26, 2008 at 1:36 pm
My long-term live-in boyfriend and I have been having this back and forth, so I started looking online for opinions and arguments. I must say, I am so disappointed in both the men and women who say that because it is tradition, how dare we rogue women stray! I love my boyfriend very much, and me choosing not to take his name does not change that in any way. He is his own person, and I am mine. I did compromise to a hyphenation of our names, and to our future children taking his last name.
I have been S- for the last few decades, though not always. I was born to a single mother (who, incidentally, is a hyphenator). I also have a close connection with my father who adopted me and gave me the name S-. It is not only out of a selfish need for identity, but a reverence to his selflessness that I am keeping my name. And anyone who says that a woman must take a man’s name to keep unity in the household- that is blatantly untrue. I have lived it, and I am thankful to have had such a strong female role model as my mother.
4 Peter // Aug 19, 2008 at 3:33 pm
If a man wrote this, it would be slightly different. I believe in tradition and all things that go with it, including the fact of a woman changing her name to her husband’s name. This indicates unity, loyalty, equality, honor, commitment, teamwork and permanent companionship.
Too much change in today’s lifestyle gets a little aggressive. People, including women, must get back to the simpler things in life. Can’t anyone remember when a man was a man and a woman was a woman. Today a person can be half and half. Maybe we all have to watch some old Bogart movies to get a grip in our lives today.
5 Judy McKinley // Jul 1, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I loved this article! It recapped my own experiences many years ago, except that she didn’t address what to do in the case of divorce. In my case I kept my maiden name, then took my husband’s name when our SON was born. In my mind I was matching not my husband but our son (should that have been our first clue?).
I kept my maiden name as my middle name, and gave that middle name to my sons as well. Many years later they wanted to know why Daddy didn’t have the same middle name as “everybody else” in the family!
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