My (Bald, Parasitic) Ex Is Everywhere

by Laurie Rosenwald

YAKOV : Russian form of “Jacob”, meaning “supplanter”
to replace, to take the place of, to supersede
to uproot, to remove violently*

Madonna, Cher, Pocohontas, Yakov. One sobriquet alone suffices to conjure up a unique personality, one so original, that any additional information would only dilute its power.

Imagine, if you will, either Matt Dillon, or Mark Messier of the New York Rangers, depending on who you think is cuter. Now create a more compact version with a Russian accent, a Macintosh computer, and a pack of Marlboro Lights. Dress him in a black T-shirt, black Levi’s, and black Converse All-Stars. Good. Now (this is the most important part) shave his head completely bald.

You now have a picture of Yakov. But perhaps not only of Yakov.

We entered into a May-December relationship. I played the part of a bleak December and he was a lovely May morning. Among other disparities, there was the trichophobia.

Trichophobia is a fear of hair. This malady is distinguished by a fear of lint, fuzz, towels, eyelashes, and aggressive behavior toward felines. I gave the cats to my ex-husband, moved all of my clothing into the living room and prepared for cohabitation.