Encore! Second Wedding Planning

by George Krubski

When I proposed to Nicole last October, it was the first time I’d ever gone through the craziness of purchasing a ring, but it wasn’t the first time she’d gotten one. This would be her second marriage, making our wedding—like about a third of the weddings in America these days—an “encore wedding.”

Rules, Schmules
So what exactly are the rules of an encore wedding? According to Rev. John Graf, Jr., the nondenominational minister who performed our ceremony, “There is no right and wrong.” As with a first wedding, the unique desires of the couple are what matters most. In some ways, there’s more flexibility, because at least one party probably already has the “big” wedding out of the way. As Graf advices couples, “You can have whatever you want.”

Despite the general lack of rules, however, pretty much everyone agrees that its poor form to compare the current wedding to any previous ones. Nicole admitted to me that although she was able to offer a wealth of experience from her first wedding, she felt she often had to be careful not to make it sound like a comparison.

For the most part, though, we had it easy. Neither of us had children from previous relationships, Nicole’s family didn’t care for her first husband (in fact, her mother has pasted a magazine photo over his face in the family portrait taken during the first marriage), and my family… well, I’m an only child from a very close family, and this was my first marriage, so that’s how they treated it.

Any of those elements could have made things more complicated.

Kid Gloves
Children are probably the single biggest issue, because these kids are going to be part of the new relationship, so they need to approve of it and be a part of it early on. “You’re not just uniting a man and a woman; you’re uniting a family,” says Rev. Graf, who offers a variety of “family unity ceremonies” (variations on the unity candle and sand ceremonies). I’ve also heard the suggestion that children—rather than the traditional parents—could be included as hosts in the invitation, and I think I like it. What kid could resist the appeal of “Little Bobby McGee cordially invites you to the wedding of his mother…”? Heck, I almost wish my parents would have a second ceremony so they could include my name in the invitation!