Country Music Fest Conception Bonanza

by Tom Miller

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, a recent country music festival in Colorado may have proven a too effective inhibition/ panty remover. The Country Jam (short for Country Music Jamboree, presumably) in Grand Junction appears to have proceeded a 400% increase in pregnancies per a low-income service for first time mothers. Wanda Scott, a health professional for Nurse-Family Partnership, was pretty surprised by the results. Country Jam headliners Tim McGraw, Clay Walker, and Sugarland were not available for comment.

It appears that country western, and not rock ‘n’ roll, is in fact, the devil’s music. We didn’t see that coming exactly, but had heard that a girl can get pregnant just by looking into the eyes of a wife-beater-wearing Tim McGraw. So if you’re trying to conceive, it might be a wise idea to get Tim McGraw tickets; just don’t latch onto his balls or get physical with some lady you don’t know, unless you want to get embarrassed.
There was an urban legend that a plethora of babies were born 9 months after the last big New York blackout. Anyone have any actual data on these happenings?

Oh, and Matthew McConaughey and wife Camila Alves had their baby, Levi Alves McConaughey, the other day. Notice we didn’t say ‘welcome,’ it’s because they didn’t have a fridge full of his favorite beer and offer to hang up his coat. Matty McC explained that Levi, per the Bible, is an alias for Matthew. And something about the birth time coinciding with his favorite passage in the Book of Matthew. We would never have guessed that he was so Biblical. Check out the LA Times if you absolutely have to know more.