We know, it must be a slowlowlowlowlow news day if we’re still talking about the Pitt-Aniston-Jolie sitchy. This triangle needs a tricky trimming or a triple triage, the trite trifling triumphalists. According to W (by way of Celebutopia), the typically stoic (yeah, we said it) Brad Pitt is putting his 2 cents, goodwill and handsomeness into the limelight to prevent an all-out war between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

Basically, the Pitt has told anyone willing to listen that there was no affair between him and Angelina Jolie while he was dating Jennifer Aniston. He goes on to state that principle photography and reshoots for Mr. And Mrs. Smiff took a year and during said rotation of the sun, he and Jennifer Aniston split. And, presumably, at that point, Jolie, like a shark smelling blood or an electronics salesman sensing ignorance, went in for the kill. The rest, as they say, happened.

We wonder if The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button needs the quick shot-in-the-arm that a little celebrity controversy could aid. Or he’s just had enough of these shenanigans. A normal guy (like John Mayer?) would welcome this catfight potential, “No ladies, don’t fight over little old me. But if you do, wear these tear-away costumes and use this baby pool of KY for your… Pitt?”

Heckler Spray grabs another part of the W press release and goes with the idea that Brad Pitt does love both women and thinks the media is to blame for all of this meshugas. Interesting theory, the media doing anything but objectively answering questions that the public has a right to know. We bet Brad Pitt thinks that there are American politicians out there who want better their situations rather than serve the people. Good thinking, Quirky Quirkpatrick.

We have a feeling that this thing isn’t going to be put to bed for some time. And we don’t blame Jennifer Aniston for being slightly bitter. She had the Greatest Guy Who Ever Lived and now St. Angelina has him. George Clooney needs to make a ruling at some point and end this insanity. His word is law in Hollyweird.

Thoughts?

Photos: Splash

Mark Teixeira (pronounced Tuh-Share-Uh) is one of the newest members of the New York Yankees. If you know baseball or sports or New York or America or news in general, you’ll know that the Yankees are big spenders. In signing 3 players this offseason (CC Sabathia, Teixeira and A.J. Burnett) the Yankees are on the hook $423 million over the next 8 years. Mark Teixeira’s portion of this dough is $180,000,000 (the zeros are for emphasis) over 8 years. Tex, as the kids call him because his name is virtually unpronounceable, will be 29 in the spring and is widely considered one of the best first basemen in baseball.

He’s a slick fielder and hits for power (that’s what she said?). He’s also a switch-hitter, which means something differently than it’s general connotation on this site. In baseball parlance, it means he has sex with men or women. That’s not what it means. It means he bats left-handed when facing right-handed pitchers and vice versa. The ball naturally ‘breaks’ (moves) in the direction of handedness when thrown. So it’s easier to hit a pitch that’s naturally moving towards you. Don’t let this heterogenous explanation of baseball make you think we feel one way or the other about what’s ‘natural’ or ‘unnatural’ in terms of human sexual tendencies, because, we assure you, sex and baseball are 2 totally separate things.

Being a responsible 29-year old, Big Tex (he weighs 230 pounds, ya’ll) consulted with wife Leigh Teixeira when choosing which team had the right to pay him in excess of $20 million per annum. And according to Yahoo!, the slugger’s wife (also the title of an underrated film starring the guy that played Danny Noonan in Caddy Shack) wanted him to wear Yankee pinstripes. As they discussed where to move (NY, Boston or Baltimore) the lady of the house finally said, “I want you to be a Yankee.” And, as a dutiful husband, he acquiesced.

Now, in addition to the A-Rod – Madonna saga, Derek Jeter’s handsomeness/ swordsmanship and the ongoing-Steinbrenner family soap opera, Yankees fans will have to endure the idea that they’re new first baseman, in addition to being a bit of a nerd (he went to Georgia Tech and likes Twisted Sister, case closed), let’s his wife pick which team he plays for. We can just hear the Red Sox fans now, “Hey Teixeira, can you come up to bat or do you have to ask your wife first?” Followed by, “Good one, Murph.” Hope all of the great shopping and nightlife and culture and easy travel to anywhere in the world and glamour and media exposure and endorsements and access to celebrities and marital harmony is worth not living in Boston or Baltimore.

We just hope, for the Teixeiras’ sake, that Tex gets off to a good start. The New York media and fans are notorious reticent to give high-paid stars much of a grace period. We suppose a loving (not hen-pecking, Murph) wife and $180 million may make it easier to block out the boo-birds.

Photos: Splash

What is it about Jerry O’Connell and twiiiiiiins that gets us so amped? Up until the other day, we figured that the twins JOC was most concerned with were in the front of Rebecca Romijn’s shirt.  But now, due to 9 months of magic and growth, those twins are loose and on display for the whole world to see. They’re out there, Jerry, and they’re loving every minute of it. This is something that we’ve been clamoring for since we can’t remember: to free the Romijn Two.

Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn have even gone and, according to Fametastic, named these twin beauties. Isn’t that the cutest? The pair is called Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip. We assume that Dolly is naturally after Dolly Parton and that Charlie is weirdly named after Jerry’s brother, Charlie O’Connell. That 1 must be a little different from her opposite number.

Rebecca Romijn had this to say of the situation, “Jerry and I want to be very hands-on. My mom’s coming to help us as much as we need.” We knew these 2 were a couple of wildcats, but who would have thought they needed parental help? We suppose that Rebecca Romijn’s mom probably has more experience with these sort of things and will really be able to give some good pointers to ensure everyone is safe, secure and properly stimulated. 

And let’s put to bed any notion that hormones were involved, these babies are all natural.

Congratulations to Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn, you take good care of those girls.

Note: We’re still impressed with Angelina Jolie’s twins and haven’t let these newcomers diminish that.

Photos: Splash

Our favorite concerned but woefully under-prepared debutante TV mom is having a hard time of it in real life. Not that we watch Gossip Girl, but we love Lily van der Woodsen. You may know Lily van der Woodsen as the graceful, capricious mother of Eric and Serena van der Woodsen, but in real life Kelly Rutherford is a sacrificing mom. In fact, she has breastfed her son Hermes until he was 2. First of all, that kid will always have nice scarves, which she can use to cover herself while she gives him his lunch in 4th grade. And secondly, she says that the breastfeeding keeps her thin, which is the opposite of what we’ve always heard.

But all of that is moot. According to iVillage, the actress is in a bit of a bind. She is both 3-month pregnant and in the midst of a divorce. Apparently her deal with husband Daniel Giersch was so broken that she would rather run the next 6 months on the solo tip than stay married to the rich German. She must be really mad about something. Notice that we assume that she’s really peeved about something but if he were to do the splitting we’d all just assume that he was an insensitive j-hole. Sweet double-standard, ya’ll.

On the divorce action, Kelly Rutherford used the old irreconcilable differences rationale. Which means either that she was sick of hearing about how he made all of his big money or she felt he wasn’t thoroughly enough impressed that she played a rich person on TV. Whatever the case, this baby is going to need a daddy. And it’s just too bad that Matthew Settle (Rufus Humphrey on Gossip Girl) is taken. They’d make a real nice real life couple. Hell, she’d be great with Sandy Peter Gallagher (play’s Rufus Humphrey’s analogue, Sandy Cohen, from The OC) but he’s been married since ‘83.

Any thoughts on who’s going to raise this baby? And is the irony lost on anyone that she married a really rich guy in real life and on TV? Is life imitating art, again? Let’s add her to the Padma Lakshmi Husband Drive and see what shakes out.

Photos: Splash

What the what? According to Bossip, Chris Breezy and RiRi may be on the way to man and wifey. Per a source (always a bad sign, the word “source,” especially when it’s from The Sun), Chris Brown hit Rihanna (the Barbadian beauty) with a bit of sparkle the size of a chicken egg on New Year’s Eve. Disturbia-ed?

Bossip is no fan of Rihanna and are more-or-less over the singing Pixie cut, yet we have a feeling that they sort of dig Chris Brown. So, it comes as no surprise that they think this is crazy puppy love on his part and a plot to stay relevant on hers. As we’ve discussed a few times before, staying relevant (i.e. selling records and concert tickets) is actually better accomplished by not getting married. Most recording artists (especially one’s known for their sex appeal) lose a little cache with the horny teen fan (and the real Britney Spears fans, 40-year old, perpetually single men) when they go off the market.



The Sun, though, does have some pics of her diamond clad ring finger, so the whole thing seems plausible. All of this despite the fact that they keep insisting that they’re just friends. “Just friends” sometimes eat late-night Taco Bell, “just friends” occasionally sing heartfelt duets (yeah, friends can listen to “Endless Love” in the dark) but “just friends” do not make out in swimming pools nor do “just friends” give each other engagement rings unless there is some skullduggery afoot.

We don’t care what anyone else says, these guys are shady and Chris Brown is in over his head. We are already sad for the day when Breezy says to himself, “Did I really get married when I was 19? I’m a huge star. Chicks dig me. What was I thinking, guy? Yeah, Rihanna is hot but she could be in it for the tracks, dude. And why have one 9, when I could have like 7 7s every night.”

Do you think Rihanna and Chris Brown will really get married? If so, do you think it will last? If it does last a while, any thoughts on album sales?

 We think the whole thing is shady times 5.

Photos: Splash