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Mythical Monogamy
Jenny Block supports monogamy and openness, but not dishonesty.
by Jenny Block
Just to set the record straight: I don’t have a problem with monogamy. I don’t think people in open relationships are more “evolved” than those in closed ones. I don’t think open relationships are always honest and closed ones are always deceitful.
I believe in choice and acceptance.
I say this because it seems as if people who read my work think that I don’t believe in monogamy. But it’s not real monogamy that I have a problem with. The issue for me is that an overwhelming majority of people give lip service to the idea, but I’m not convinced that the people who claim to adhere to it actually do.
Regardless of the kind of relationship you have, dishonesty is bad. I think we can all agree on that.
People can be dishonest. And people do cheat. It is unfortunate that there are no hard statistics about adultery. Surveys and studies rely on people telling the truth and, obviously, cheating is something people lie about. I understand that anecdotal evidence is not scientific proof. But it is hard to ignore the signs I see all around me.
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1 Eddy Hooper // Aug 17, 2008 at 10:35 am
This is amazing!
I had a rant about this very topic a few days ago when I read from one of the media watchdog groups about a study that on television prime time not enough marital sex is covered as opposed to the wide range of sexuality depicted on television by un-married people. This cut deep into me because I thought television gave marriage a pass and made it into this cure all for all social and sexual ills.
I went and looked at some of the sites you mentioned about how 50% are cheating. I find it incredible how these websites have people (some from around my area of Dayton, Ohio) are on the block cheating. One site had very few pics of women cheating for a man. However, the point you make is clear: The brand needs fixing. Thanks for an insightful article.
2 Denise // Aug 16, 2008 at 1:49 am
I think this post was interesting, engaging and totally on point. I also think Holden Helena and others have totally missed the point, the article was not a study of methodologies but a highlight of societal strictures, our need to appear as if we are conforming (the dishonesty) and perhaps a need for individuals to take a hard look at their definitions and parameters of within their own relationships.
What the article brought home for me is not the difficulty we have in being faithful (be it emotional or sexual) but in being honest. I guess at the end of the day everyone wants to have their cake and eat it too, we want the appearance of monogamy as well as the ability to have multiple partners … so we lie. We want an open relationship yet we still worry about our partners reactions … so we lie.
I think thats the basic point that many who’ve read this article has failed to recognize.
3 Holden Helena // Aug 15, 2008 at 1:39 pm
This is one of the laziest articles I’ve ever read on the subject. Here’s what we take away:
1. Monogamy is not bad.
2. People cheat.
3. Maybe monogamy isn’t the best model for a relationship.
Enlightening.
One of the better books I’ve read on the subject is “The Ethical Slut”, though it’s quite biased (and is something of a How To manual) towards an “open relationship”.
Another source who doesn’t appear biased one way or the other is Dan Savage, syndicated columnist of “Savage Love”.
Both recommended. This particular article is rather useless if one’s even attempted to ponder the possibilities of different relationship methodology.
xx,
Holden
4 Brad Goins // Aug 15, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Agreed. The difficulty is in making it work. It’s important, I think, to consider that cheating in a broad context doesn’t by any means have to be confined to explicitly sexual activity. I’m not talking about casual flirtation. I’m talking about thinking like sustained flirtations that go on in offices, schools, organizations, what have you, and eventually evolve into a close relationship — a nonsexual one — that becomes the real focus of affection for someone who’s supposed to be devoted to a significant other. Is this cheating? Yeah, I think so. I have no idea how one would gauge how common these sorts of relationships are. I suspect they are common.
5 Lakas // Aug 15, 2008 at 2:14 am
It’s fascinating, really, how the comments have been solely focused on heterosexual relationships & marriages when the author of the article has been careful not to fall trap in hetereosexism and heteronormativity. Re-read the article again and tell me exactly where Jenny used “husband and wife” and the word marriage.
Oh that’s right, you all think the gays are sex crazed individual who cannot maintain monogamous relationships. Silly me.
The crux of the article is being honest to yourself and your partner. Not some argument for or against monogamy.
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