Wife Wants A Threesome

by Dan Eldridge

In my previous “Marriage Without Monogamy” post, which you might want to take a look at now before reading further, I decided it might be interesting to temporarily steer away from the confessional-style essay this column has become known for. I just wasn’t in the appropriate mood, I guess, to work through yet another one of my unconventional relationship issues on paper. And yet judging from some of the very blunt comments this column has inspired in months past, I figured that at least some of my regular readers might be willing to share a few unconventional issues of their own. Perhaps not surprisingly, I was right. The day after my call for questions was posted online, I received an email from a woman I’ll call “Karen”.

Karen’s question was deceivingly complex. That is, it seemed simple enough on the surface. As Karen explained, she’s was happily married to a man, although she happens to be bisexual. She went on to explain that her best friend, a woman, is interested in sleeping with her. Karen’s husband, however, doesn’t like that idea one bit – but Karen claims that’s only because he knows he won’t be invited to play along. You see, according to Karen, her husband is significantly overweight, and so the best friend isn’t attracted to him. He’s so overweight, in fact, that hardly any women are attracted to him. And that puts Karen in a bit of a bind, because unless her hubby gets his hands on a piece of the proverbial action, she isn’t allowed to have sex with other women. And that includes the best friend.

Sounds pretty cut-and-dry, right?

But as I read through Karen’s email a second time, and then a third, I noticed a certain passive aggressive sentiment that was hidden between the lines. For instance, Karen seemed to be singing her rotund husband’s praises in one sentence, but then cutting him down in an understated, subtle sort of way in the next. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was dealing with a Classic Female Communication issue. In other words, Karen was clearly saying one thing, but insinuating something entirely different.

I read the message another time or two before finally admitting that I was no match against the cunning shrewdness of the complicated female mind. So I sent Karen’s email to my fiancée, Carrie Ann, and I asked for her help. I told her to look it over, and to give me her thoughts. I wasn’t the least bit surprised after reading Carrie’s full report – she had clearly seen Karen’s gobbledegook girl talk for what it really was: a steaming pile of straight-up bullshit.