Objectivity of My Affection

by Michelle Carlton

Last week, I wrote about my friend Amber’s breakup and I mentioned how terrible her boyfriend was. But when the relationship first started, I thought he was great. I was thrilled to see her with a man who loved her and treated her like a princess. Then, the tides turned. By the end, the best thing that could be said about her ex was that he was nice, sometimes. But more often than not, he was rude, immature, stubborn, and completely disrespectful toward my girl.

Her situation made me wonder why it’s easy for so many women to brush faults and incompatibilities under the rug, moving along with a relationship as if nothing were wrong at all. The thing is, Amber’s a smart gal. She has more motivation—and integrity—than anyone I know. But for every red flag from her ex, she had ten excuses ready to gloss over it. If she can fall for this guy, then what hope do the rest of us have at objectivity in a relationship?

I could never really fault her for staying with him because I’ve done the same stupid thing myself more times than I care to admit. At times I’ve been perfectly happy to ignore legitimate problems in the hopes of “maybe this one will stick.” From seemingly small things, like hating the way he dresses, to more legitimate concerns like him not wanting children when I do, I’ve glossed over them all.

These hiccups always catch up to me in the end, at which point I’ve wasted time crossing my fingers for someone who wasn’t right in the first place. Certain parts of my dating history suggest I put more emphasis on a wing and a prayer than I do on actual compatibility.

After facing so many hurdles with Alex, eventually our problems became too much for us to handle and we fell apart. Hopefully that taught me a lesson, but sometimes I’ll still catch myself airbrushing red flags out of the men I meet. On one of my first post-breakup dates, I was out with a guy who was way too high maintenance for my tastes. He spent most of the evening talking about the brand of his watch and his favorite types of (overpriced) wine. And I still gave him a second, then third, date. Why? I like to think it was because my dating skills were rusty at that time, which they were, but I still looked past the obvious incompatibility and gave him more of a chance than he deserved.

There’s a fine line between objectivity and romance. Love, by nature, is tied to your heart and not your mind, which clouds most reasonable judgment. Many women—Amber and myself included—are just trying to find a balance between looking at a relationship impartially and falling head over irrational heels.

Luckily, I’m getting better at dismissing men who just aren’t worth the effort. And the next time I meet a guy who can only talk about his accessories and vino of choice, I’ll run the other way without a second thought.