Rhys Ifans Puts Himself Back Out There

by Tom Miller

What a brave man Rhys Ifans is. He’s finally getting over the rough handling and cruel casting aside by Sienna Miller. He’s been rereleased into the wild and we think he’s… going… to be… OK. According to ShowBizSpy, The Replacements star has recently been spotted at a London nightclub snogging (it’s like kissing but seems naughtier, as in, “Hey there Beatrice, fancy a snog?”) and grinding with Kimberly Stewart. ShowBizSpy mentions that this is the second sloppy seconds that Ifans has gotten from Jude Law. Hand-me-downs girlfs are OK if you’re famous; A) the universe is smaller, and B) celebrity relationships are too short-lived. You could literally run out of people to date provided that you only date people in your social strata and geographical sector. It’s probably bad form to date 3 of someone’s exes, so that puts Sophie Monk, Natalie Portman, and Lily Cole on a danger list of Ifans. Then again it’s not like Jude Law is going to beat him up or shame him.

What we’re most baffled by is that it’s Rod Stewart’s daughter, man. Sure women are attracted to men who resemble their fathers but we don’t think we’d be able to tell Rhys and Rod apart in a police lineup. Sure, we have no idea what Rod Stewart looks like but he sounds like he should look like Rhys Ifans.

Rhys needs to take the next month, get all of this self-destructive sh*t out of his system and start the full court press for Kate Moss. It’s really the only sensible thing to do. Ooo, that might be a third second-hand girlf from Jude Law. Damn, that dude’s dated everyone.