Why Married Women Love “The Lifestyle”

by Erin Mantz

Lori works at a Washington, DC law firm during the day, attends law school at night and is the mother of two with a third on the way. She fits swinging into her and her husband’s busy schedule. Last summer, after seven years of marriage, Lori and her husband sought out their first swinging encounter. She had long thought about the lifestyle. “I’m bisexual and a very sexual person. My husband and I had conversations about it even before marriage, and in the years that followed he wasn’t interested at all, so I dropped the topic.” Six years later they talked about it for almost a year and made the decision to do it.

How did they even know where to go? They looked online, first on adult personals websites that resulted in mostly spam and fake profiles. Email exchanges with random couples went nowhere. Then someone told them about SwingLifeStyle.com (SLS), which led to their first experience, who turned them on to altplayground.com (APG) and LoveVoodoo.com, where they began to really meet people. When new online friends offered to take them to Tabu Social Club, Lori was very nervous. “It took a lot for me to finally walk through the door,” she recalls. “But when I did, I quickly found it was a very inviting, comfortable atmosphere, with no pressure.” The first few times they went, they stuck close to friends and just talked with people. The third time, they arranged to meet another couple at the club and ended up playing with them there.

First fears about swinging turned out to be fine: it wasn’t upsetting to watch her husband with another woman (it was actually great); neither spouse fell in love with someone new; and the marriage didn’t suffer, but became stronger. They soon found house parties are happening out there, too, if you know where to look. Host couples get their homes kid-free by sending their kids out to sleepovers at a friend’s house.

What is it about swinging that keeps happily married women in the lifestyle? One woman said swinging is all about being able to pleasure another woman. Another said it frees her to be her bisexual self. Everyone says it makes their marriage better. They explain they don’t swing to fill a void in their marriage, but to enhance it.

Katherine, one thirtysomething wife, tries to explain the woman-to-woman attraction. “Women are soft, sensual, and usually very responsive. They are very concerned with what the experience is like for the other woman,” she says. She also thinks the majority of women in the lifestyle and in the general population are either bisexual or bi-curious—it’s just that women in the lifestyle are more willing to admit it and can explore their sexuality in a safe environment, with husbands there to witness and encourage things along. Does the idea of doing something extra “naughty”—the wild idea of a woman being with another woman—add to the excitement, too? Absolutely, Katherine says.