Penis Extension Fails Catastrophically

by Tom Miller

Damn. Ain’t that some ish. A dude in southern Russia (Voronezh, bordering Ukraine) decided that he’d had enough of not pleasing his wife… in bed, as the old fortune cookie joke goes. So, God bless him, he did something about it. He decided to undergo penile enhancement surgery. We’re not 100% sure what grueling experiments Grigory Toporov had to endure but suffice it to say that it sort of worked.

Then, as Behind The Music reminds us, is when tragedy struck. According to Metro, the dern prosthetic bone broke during a wild sex session with his wife. We’re pretty traumatized by this so we didn’t really look for much extra in the way of details but we can’t help but wondering what the hell went wrong. Was his Go-Go-Gadget D*ck not properly stress tested? Were the harmonic frequencies a out of whack like the Tacoma Narrows bridge? Did Grigory Toporov not listen to doctors about taking it easy at first, like when women don’t keep breast implants under wraps for a few weeks because “to hell with the doctor’s wishes, I’m showing these sweater puppies off”? Maybe it goes against Russian machismo, but couldn’t he have started with oral before undergoing radical wang surgery?

Anyways, this dark cloud of a horrific wounding tale does have a silver lining. The wife wants a divorce. Clearly, his member, even after augmentation, is not up to her standard. She’ll probably find someone who can satisfy her whether at home or through 1 of those sites where grumpy, interweb trolls can buy a Russian bride. She should probably request some video proof before she makes the trip over. Someone could just hook her up with Tommy Lee. As for Grigory Toporov, this dude deserves someone a little more understanding. If he’s willing to swallow his pride and undergo a drastic penis  surgery, he’s probably a decent guy. It’s the motion of the ocean, brah. Easy come… easy go.

Uh, anyone think this might be a hoax? And if so, cui bono?