How I Fell Madly In Lust With My Husband

by Susan Shapiro

“You have to insist that your husband fulfill your sexual fantasies,” instructed my therapist, who happened to be tall, dashing and happily married himself. “Try asking him again.”

“I tried, and he can’t act them out,” I said. “It makes him uncomfortable. Which makes me uncomfortable.”

“What’s wrong with a little discomfort? Fight through it,” he advised.

“It’s too weird and awkward,” I admitted.

“Well, your alternative is to give up. So, do you plan to cheat on Aaron or just be sexually unsatisfied for the rest of your life?” he asked.

“But he’s just not into it,” I muttered, embarrassed enough that I’d spilled my steamiest X-rated fantasies to my therapist, who actually looked embarrassed hearing them. (Ironically my dreams about Dr. Winters involved being gently embraced by him, not man-handled. Let’s analyze that.)

But I took his suggestion, raising the issue of my carnal cravings again. This time, my husband flat-out refused me, leaving me feeling totally, humiliatingly rejected. Deflated, I slunk back to my shrink and tried my old theory on him. “Isn’t this the typical marriage compromise—you give up some sizzle for consistency, social acceptance and security?” I asked.

“No! That’s ridiculous!” he countered. “According to the Torah, a man is obligated to please his wife sexually or he is not a good husband.”

This from a WASP who was using my tribe’s customs to argue with me. I went home and looked it up. He was right! A Jewish husband was mandated to make his wife feel fulfilled when she so desired. “Her food, her clothing, and her duty of marriage relations he shall not diminish.” (Shmot 21:9). How funny – a reform Jewess who’d always resented rabbis and all forms of religious authority found the biggest champion of my libido in my own people’s ancient laws. If they’d taught me about this in Hebrew school—instead of the Holocaust—I might have kept the Sabbath and learned to cook a brisket.