What’s in a Name?

by Jenny Block

For me, partner has always connoted a business relationship, and wife or spouse has connoted a legal relationship. Girlfriend sounds like pre-fiancé, and fiancé, well, then the question is, “when’s the ring coming?” And that’s not a question that either my girlfriend or I are asking, not at this point anyway. So, what’s a girl to do? It goes back to the question of which relationships are real or acceptable or important. It almost feels like if there’s no language for it then it isn’t “real.”

I’ve heard folks in open or polyamorous relationships use terms like significant other (S.O. for short), partner, primary, secondary, and of course, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, spouse, and lover. But there are all sorts of thoughts and ideas that follow those words, both real and implied, connotative and denotative. I just want to be able to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not have to explain myself ad naseum. I’m a dreamer, I know.

I wonder sometimes if my girlfriend feels slighted when I introduce her as my girlfriend and people assume we’re just friends. But I also wonder what my husband would think if I adopted language that seemed to compromise our relationship. Words are messy business. And, yes, I admit, I’m prone to over-thinking. But if the world demands labels (and I think we can agree it does) I feel compelled to comply, at least sometimes. Yet, I don’t always know how.

I got a form the other day that asked me for the names of two emergency contacts. The blanks were followed by boxes labeled spouse, relative, colleague, and friend. First I listed my husband. Then I listed my girlfriend, and I thought, “What box do I check?” I know, I could’ve just checked friend and moved on, but how would you feel if the person with whom you are in a romantic, committed relationship referred to you as a “friend”? My guess is that you’d be none too thrilled.

In theory, my girlfriend wouldn’t care. But in reality, I think it would sting. In fact, I know it would sting. “What is she implying?” she would think. “Is she embarrassed? Not as invested as I? Hiding from me or herself or the person she’s filling out that form for?”