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The Surprising Benefits Of Open Marriage
An open relationship brought one woman closer to her husband.
by Redsy
Many people believe that open marriage is a) absurd in the extreme (why bother being married then?) or b) impossibly complicated emotionally, logistically, and sexually. Truthfully, there are as many types of open marriages as there are closed, so these assumptions are baseless, though understandable. Swingtown notwithstanding, the imagined benefits of open marriage (Sex! All the time! With friends and neighbors!) are quite titillating but (alas) often untrue.
What is true, however, is that most people practicing open marriage are usually both romantic and realistic about the probability of remaining monogamous over a lifetime with one partner. If recent studies are any indication, most people who pledge monogamy aren’t actually faithful anyway, so you could say people in open marriage are simply being more honest about their desire to mess around than the average American.
Of the many surprising benefits of open marriage, perhaps the most surprising is that it can, if handled gently and lovingly, bring you closer to your spouse. If you’re secretly carrying on an affair, or emailing an ex-lover, or otherwise harboring deeply held desires that you can’t share with your partner, you are experiencing the alienation this lack of honesty can create. I know because I used to feel completely lonely in my marriage. I felt I couldn’t tell my husband what I wanted sexually or otherwise. I made the mistake of having an affair rather than telling him what I needed and nearly ruined everything. Luckily, we made our way back to each other and have arrived in a place of deeper honesty, including a mutually agreed upon desire to have an open marriage. I don’t recommend this approach to achieving open marriage, but it eventually worked well enough for us.
Surprisingly, our open relationship status (as well as therapy, and working a 12-step program) has led each of us to a greater level of self-acceptance. Admitting to and embracing our imperfections as well as our sexual desires has, in turn, translated into greater understanding of each other. It seems counterintuitive but it’s true: By opening up our relationship and deepening our honesty, we’re happier than we’ve ever been. Our house is peaceful and there aren’t anymore deep dark secrets between us.
Most people can relate to going on a date or to an event with your spouse and seeing his or her excellence or attractiveness as though from a new perspective. Well, the same applies in spades when you see your spouse all lit up by a new love-interest, assuming you can overcome whatever jealousy or possessiveness that arise. Surprising but true. If you can talk it through, seeing your partner dolled or duded up to go with someone else out can be incredibly attractive.
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1 Lorraine Klein // Nov 21, 2008 at 4:49 pm
I have been married for 7 years. My husband and I have had an open relationship for the last year and a half. We became open because my job took me to a new city and his business was just starting to grow and couldn’t be moved. Opening our marriage has been the best experience in our relationship besides getting married. Our communication, trust, friendship and most of the elements in our relationship have changed, they have gotten better, deeper, more frequent and more fulfilling. However, my husband and I are both Buddhist and working on releasing attachments as a way to reduce our suffering and the suffering of others, so we viewed this as an exercise in conscious loving. Being jealous is easy, letting go of that jealousy and consciously “changing your mind” is much harder but, worth it. Insecurities and jealousy hold us back as individuals and cause many people to live unfulfilled lives based out fear or compromise. I love my husband and will always do everything in my power to help him achieve goals, empower him as a person and in general be his best friend till death do us part. How simple a thing it is for me to give him his freedom and to take away the daily guilt coming from flirting or even making eye contact, looking at porn, wanting or being sexually attracted to another person and/or preventing the guilt associated with cheating. One day one or both of us may change our mind and we may go back to a closed relationship. In fact we have discussed possible situations where we would close our relationship. But that is all part of being open with each other and our relationship. We are more flexible now, more dynamic. We find it is easier to bend than break and all we had to give up was our fear.
2 T // Oct 13, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Obviously you would no longer have the worries or doubts as to whether your partner was going to sleep around on you, simply because you would know for sure that they were going to. I believe this idea to be completly idiotic. Perhaps a long lasting monogamous relationship is unattainable, but I see no reason to even be in a relationship at all if you are simply going to have many sexual encounters with many different partners. Perhaps I am prudish or old fashioned, even at my young age of 23, but I feel an “open relationship” is nothing more than a great friendship with benefits. I don’t see any real long lasting commitment. Sure, it’s easy to stay with someone and give yourself to them if you have no worries that you may never know a life beyond them. I see true commitment as a sacrifice. You love this person and think to yourself ” I may never experience certain fantasies or partners again, but it is well worth it to be with the one I love.” If you can’t do that, then why stick around? Either give yourself 100% physically and emotionally or move the hell on.
3 ROD P // Sep 18, 2008 at 10:20 am
I agree it is not for everyone. but i will speak from experience of being in an open relationship. It unquestionably has taken me and my wife’s sexual experiences to new unfounded heights. I do admit at first when my wife told me about sleeping with another man i was jealous but strangely i was turned on even more. We made incredible love that night. It has in no way deteriorated the love that we have for each other or has interfered with the things that we enjoy as a husband and wife. We look at it as the something extra that adds spice to our life and relationship. If anything it has made us even more honest and open with each other and strengthened or relationship which is 10 years strong.
4 N // Sep 14, 2008 at 2:25 pm
For those who obviously do not understand the concept of an open relationship, it is not about the wife going on a “hot date with another man” and returning home to her husband. Nothing is done behind anyone’s back. It does not involve secrets or scandals. It does involve the exploration of sexuality between couples (and individuals) with utmost respect of the feelings and desires of all who are involved. Because it requires honesty and trust, it tends to bring couples closer together. They are no longer in fear of their partner cheating, emotionally or physically. They focus on fulfilling each other’s needs. Usually, if someone feels uncomfortable, the couple will step back and re-focus on each other. Though I am not currently in an open relationship, I respect the decision of others who choose this lifestyle.
5 k // Sep 13, 2008 at 8:23 pm
For sure, WTF! Why bother being married or living with someone. I have lived with someone for 3 years now. This was suggested to me one year into our living arrangement. So I gues that our sex was boring right away, I know we sure haven’t done much together but live in the same house, so the excuse her would be to get out and be thought of now and then. Sex would be great if there was some and so would the attentiveness. If you dont have that at first in a relationship, why go else where and get it unless you go for good..lol
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