I’m Just Not That Into You, God

by Colleen Oakley

Last weekend Fred and I were looking over the ceremony printout from the minister that will be marrying us. There was a lot of God in it. Now, Fred and I have nothing against God—we’re just not that into him. And there’s one part of the ceremony in particular that irks me. It says something like “If you make and keep this promise to God and his Holy Church, he will bless your union all the days of your life.”

Frankly, I just don’t believe that.

I don’t feel like I’m making a promise to God when I marry Fred. I’m making a promise to Fred. And I’m not going to keep that promise just because I think God will reward me. I’m going to keep it because I want to be with Fred forever and commit my life to him.

After Fred and I went through the few sheets of paper and inked out all the parts we wanted to change, I called my mom. See, the minister is actually my parents’ minister in Savannah (where we’re getting married). They have a really good relationship with him, so I figured it would be best for them to break the news that we wanted to change a few things.

“Mom, Fred and I aren’t comfortable with a few—OK, well most—of the ceremony bits,” I said.

“That’s fine honey, Billy is very amenable to changing anything to suit you guys,” she assured me. This is actually true. Billy is one of the most liberal preachers I’ve ever met, which is why we agreed he should do our ceremony.

“Yeah, I know that. So… um… we just want him to take a lot of the God stuff out.”

“Huh. OK. Well, I’m not exactly sure how I should phrase that to a minister.”

“Right, but you’ll figure it out. Thanks mom!” I quickly hung up before she could protest.

Turns out she didn’t figure it out. She saw him at church on Sunday and invited him to her house for lunch when Fred and I will be in town doing last-minute wedding stuff.

So now I have to figure out how to tell a Godman that I’m not so into God and don’t want him to be such a big part of our wedding. That should be fun. I just hope I don’t get in a fiery car crash and die on the way down there. If I did, I would definitely go straight to hell.