What about jealousy? It’s the question everyone asks.  I thought I would focus on two emails I received on the subject, one from someone who is not married and one from someone who is; both people are dealing with the issue that always seems to come up whenever polyamory is discussed: jealousy.

Question: I am a bisexual woman and am in an open relationship. We have three major rules: no secrets, if we hook up with other people, we do it together, and no kissing other partners. We’ve had both good and bad experiences with both couples and singles. The thing is, although I know my boyfriend loves me, I still sometimes get jealous when he is with another woman. He actually sounds different when he is with someone else and that scares me. I don’t want to compete with other women and I want us both to be happy. How can I work towards not feeling jealousy any longer?

Answer: Well, that is an excellent question and one of the hardest. Now, I am not a counselor, so I can only tell you about my own experience. But what you are asking about is the inner struggle that we all have about nearly everything we do in life—work, friendly competition, family. Everything. We all want to be good at what we do, preferably the best, and we also all want to be recognized for being good at what we do. This is all about battling your own demons. You have to trust that he loves you and trust that he wants to be with you—otherwise he wouldn’t be with you. It may sound cliché, but it’s true that if you’re going to love others, you have to first love yourself. So, maybe that’s the best place to start. Once you trust yourself, you’ll be able to trust him too. When he’s with other women, it’s different, not better. You are the one he loves and wants to be committed to. So in his eyes, you don’t have to worry. You are the best.

Question: I am in an open marriage. I think it’s true that opening a marriage is not a way to fix a marriage. But our marriage is not broken. I want to do this. Still, I get jealous and worry he might leave me. He tells me again and again that this is only about sex and he has no intention of leaving. So, how can I get that green-eyed monster to take a hike?

Answer: Thanks for writing. I think it might be helpful for you to join some online communities and check out some polyamory focused websites so you can see how other couples are managing this. You can search polyamory at tribe.net or yahoo groups or livejournal.com to find some, and www.practicalpolyamory.com is a great resource for those in open relationships. You might even want to check out polyinthemedia.blogspot.com to see how the press is tackling the subject.

This is all about love and trust and, perhaps, above all, mindset. You have to trust your husband to tell you the truth and you have to love him enough to want him to be as happy, just as you have every right to be happy. He can leave just as easily if the relationship is closed. The important thing is to keep talking about how you both feel. In the end, all you can do is take it one day at a time and trust that love will take you and your relationship where it needs to be.

In my previous “Marriage Without Monogamy” post, which you might want to take a look at now before reading further, I decided it might be interesting to temporarily steer away from the confessional-style essay this column has become known for. I just wasn’t in the appropriate mood, I guess, to work through yet another one of my unconventional relationship issues on paper. And yet judging from some of the very blunt comments this column has inspired in months past, I figured that at least some of my regular readers might be willing to share a few unconventional issues of their own. Perhaps not surprisingly, I was right. The day after my call for questions was posted online, I received an email from a woman I’ll call “Karen”.

Karen’s question was deceivingly complex. That is, it seemed simple enough on the surface. As Karen explained, she’s was happily married to a man, although she happens to be bisexual. She went on to explain that her best friend, a woman, is interested in sleeping with her. Karen’s husband, however, doesn’t like that idea one bit – but Karen claims that’s only because he knows he won’t be invited to play along. You see, according to Karen, her husband is significantly overweight, and so the best friend isn’t attracted to him. He’s so overweight, in fact, that hardly any women are attracted to him. And that puts Karen in a bit of a bind, because unless her hubby gets his hands on a piece of the proverbial action, she isn’t allowed to have sex with other women. And that includes the best friend.

Sounds pretty cut-and-dry, right?

But as I read through Karen’s email a second time, and then a third, I noticed a certain passive aggressive sentiment that was hidden between the lines. For instance, Karen seemed to be singing her rotund husband’s praises in one sentence, but then cutting him down in an understated, subtle sort of way in the next. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was dealing with a Classic Female Communication issue. In other words, Karen was clearly saying one thing, but insinuating something entirely different.

I read the message another time or two before finally admitting that I was no match against the cunning shrewdness of the complicated female mind. So I sent Karen’s email to my fiancée, Carrie Ann, and I asked for her help. I told her to look it over, and to give me her thoughts. I wasn’t the least bit surprised after reading Carrie’s full report – she had clearly seen Karen’s gobbledegook girl talk for what it really was: a steaming pile of straight-up bullshit.

In the end, we decided to join together the best quotes from our conversation. Go ahead and look through Karen’s email yourself, or simply scroll down to find out what Carrie and I had to say. (By the way, “Karen’s” letter was edited for clarity.)

From: “Karen”
To: “Dan Eldridge”
RE: Ask a Non-Monogamist
Date: 7/08/08 12:57 PM

I have a few questions about pursuing this “adventure”. My husband and I have been together ten years, married for 3.5. Great sex life, by the way. Here’s my story:

I was bisexual when I met my husband. He loved the idea at first, but then it got personal – he was only ok with it as long as he was involved. The girl I was with at the time is my best friend to this day. She’s married, by the way, and her husband doesn’t know about her past with me. She wants to get back together, but she doesn’t want my husband involved. I don’t want to do it behind his back, because I wouldn’t want him doing it behind my back. We had a threesome about seven years ago with the same girl – my best friend. My husband was jealous that I liked being with her more than with him. I loved both!

Recently, we’ve been getting back into the discussion of not necessarily opening the relationship, but having another threesome. Because he and I are only ok with it as long as we’re both involved – every time.

I’m ok if it just happens unplanned, and spontaneously. But my husband is set on “planning and finding someone,” which is really hard to do. Most of the people who are into it only want me involved. He’s a pretty big guy, so most girls find him unattractive. I love him for who he is, and his size doesn’t bother me. My problem is this: How do I relay that information to him without crushing his feelings? Should I not say anything at all?

He’s always wanting to go to strip clubs in order to “find” someone, but I don’t like the thought of having a stripper come home with us. Not clean, not smart, and I’m not comfortable with it, either. Any suggestions? I want it as bad as he does. I just don’t want to pursue it the way he does.

Dan: You see what I mean? That’s a tough one, isn’t it? Although I will say this: Something I noticed right off the bat was that this woman wasn’t being honest with herself. Not at all. Nor was she being honest when she wrote me this email. Let me give you an example.

At the very beginning of the letter, she explains that when her relationship with her now-husband first started, the guy was fine with the fact that she occasionally slept with other women. But at some point, he obviously came to the realization that Karen enjoyed her girlfriend’s naked body more than she enjoyed his. Naturally, it was after that point that he changed his tune about Karen’s dangerous liaisons: It was no longer alright, unless he was right there in the room with the two of them.

But in the next paragraph of Karen’s email, she says this: “He and I are only ok with it as long as we’re both involved – every time.”

Well… not exactly. It’s clear as day that Karen’s husband isn’t comfortable with the idea of his wife screwing around without him. But when she says, “He and I are only ok with it as long as we’re both involved,” that’s just complete bullshit. It sounds to me as if she’s practically dying to fuck this friend by herself, and to be completely honest, I don’t blame her. After all, if the friend isn’t into fat guys, but the husband shows up and starts putting his dick into everything that moves, that’s going be one seriously awkward scene!

Carrie: First, I’d tell her it’s pretty obvious that both she and her husband need to take a step back, and really talk about a few things. I don’t think this woman is being honest with herself at all, in my opinion.

I think it’s also obvious that she really hurt her husband the last time they did this, and even though he may want to do it again, he also wants more control over the situation this time. And, at least subconsciously, he wants to stick it to his wife a little bit by getting a stripper for their threesome.

Karen’s trying to cover her ass by saying the stripper idea isn’t “smart,” and that strippers aren’t “clean.” The truth, of course, is there are plenty of clean strippers out there. (The husband isn’t even asking to get a prostitute, after all, which would be a lot more risky). I think Karen knows full well why she’s afraid to get a stripper: She’s afraid her husband will find the stripper more attractive than her. And I think the husband knows this, too. He’s probably using this as a way to get back at her for hurting him the first time around.

Dan: I think what it comes down to is this: Karen is probably a very sweet, very kind-hearted woman. But she’s also human, and she has sexual needs like everyone else. For her, these obviously include having sex with her best friend. And yet her husband’s insecurity about his weight is the only real reason this is a problem. But because Karen doesn’t want to risk offending her husband by having a real, honest conversation about his weight, or about their sexual boundaries, or for that matter anything else, she’s turned to me.

And I know what she wants me to tell her. She wants me to say that her husband knew what he was getting himself into when they got married, and now he’s being unreasonable and unfair, and she should do whatever the hell she wants. But you know what? That’s simply not the case. I mean, she married this guy! And if there’s anything that’s almost guaranteed to destroy the foundation of a long-term relationship, it’s lack of communication. And that’s something that appears to have been going on in this relationship for quite some time.

Carrie:: I think both Karen and her husband are asking for a lot of trouble in their relationship if they don’t talk honestly with each other before doing this. The husband needs a forum to explain how he felt the last time they had a threesome.

And Karen needs to be able to talk to her husband about sensitive topics as well. It’s a really bad sign that she’s not even able to discuss his weight with him, especially when you consider how big of a factor that’s become in their search for sexual partners.

I found something else about her question a bit troubling. Did you notice how she didn’t mention anything about the third party? I think these two are so worried about themselves, and about what they want, that they haven’t even thought about out how they’re going to handle this new addition to their relationship. For example, is this something they just want to experience once? Or do they want it to be an ongoing thing with someone specific? If they do want it to be ongoing, they’ll need to realize that the third partner is most likely going to want something out of the relationship too.

Dan: Before Karen so much as makes out with her girlfriend again, she needs to have a long heart-to-heart with her husband. The two of them are obviously not communicating with each other. They need to lay it all on the line. They need to decide what they’re comfortable with as far as their sex life goes. Bottom line: Karen has to be honest with her husband about what she wants. She can’t keep pussy-footing around the situation forever, or eventually someone is bound to explode!

Carrie:: We know the wife wants spontaneity – or so she says – while the husband wants more control. I think they can find an element of both by trying out adult dating sites, like www.AdultFriendFinder.com. That way, there will still be some element of surprise, but both Karen and her husband can be in control by selecting a girl together, and by laying out any ground rules they may have.

They might also consider trying a few swingers clubs. Most of these places are no-pressure clubs, and considering the husband has been hurt in the past, it might not be a bad idea to get started a little slower this time around. By going this route, they can be sure nobody’s getting hurt in the process.

Many couples interested in swinging start out by just making out with someone else together. Slowly, they might work their way up to having sex with this other person. And eventually, they may even move towards a relationship.

But if these two really do love each other, like Karen says, and if they really do have a great sex life together, like Karen says, then there’s absolutely no reason they should feel the need to rush into anything.

Send your questions about non-monogamy to eldridge@ymail.com.

–
Dan Eldridge is the author of Moon Handbooks Pittsburgh (Avalon Travel), which was recently nominated for the 2008 Lowell Thomas Travel Journalism Awards. He’s currently in the Philippines, researching his fourth guidebook for Lonely Planet. Visit Dan online at www.PioneerContent.com.

Aside from the 14 months I spent working as a music editor for an alt-weekly in Pittsburgh, I’ve been making my living as a freelance journalist for the past five years. I also work out of a home office – my morning commute never takes more than five or ten seconds – so it was pretty much business as usual when a few weeks ago, I was sitting at my desk and tapping away at my laptop late at night, slowly working through the paces of putting together yet another magazine article.

Before long, I decided to pack it in for the day, but not before checking my email one last time. I wasn’t expecting anything in particular, and yet when I entered my email address, and then my password, and then clicked the ‘Enter’ key, I found an unopened note from one of my Tango editors waiting for me. This seemed a bit unusual – we didn’t often send messages back and forth unless a story of mine was in the works. Which it wasn’t. But of course, I clicked on the subject line anyway, and began to read.

The note was brief, and to the point: My editor explained that along with a few other staffers in the office, she had been discussing the “Marriage Without Monogamy” column I’d been writing for Tango over the past few months. Apparently, all of them had specific questions that I somehow hadn’t gotten around to fully explaining in any one of my essays.

Here’s an excerpt from the editor’s email:

Some of us in the office were discussing your posts, and we’re all curious to know more about Carrie and how you feel about her being with other men and women. Also, have you and Carrie discussed what would happen if you were to fall in love with another woman? Is she open to a polyamorous relationship, or would that be a line in the sand for you two?

For those of you who’ve never encountered a “Marriage Without Monogamy” installment before, I’ll explain the concept briefly by saying that the column is essentially a series of first-person essays about the open relationship I share with my fiancée, the aforementioned Carrie. Naturally, I’ve been fielding my fair share of questions about alternative relationships since the column first appeared online. And yet because I’ve never been shy when it comes to the subject of my sex life, I’m almost always happy to answer those questions. I’m even more willing to do so when those questions come from readers who seem genuinely intrigued by the idea that maybe their sex lives could be modified or adjusted or improved upon, too – and maybe in ways they’d never before considered.

But a personal question from an editor? Someone I was used to dealing with strictly on a professional level? That was new. And I’ll admit: It also caused me to wonder if maybe I hadn’t failed somewhat as an essayist. After all, this was the same person who had gone over my last 10,000 written words with an editor’s eye, and a red pencil. If she didn’t understand the intricacies of my relationship with Carrie, how could I expect my readers to understand it either?

Just yesterday, in fact, I spoke with this very same editor about these very same concerns. I asked her what she thought my readers were most curious about. Did they want to know more about the ways Carrie and I dealt with jealousy, for instance? Or would they rather get tips and advice from us about starting open relationships for themselves? Maybe they just wanted the down-and-dirty details: where we found our partners, and what we did with them, and why.

And then it hit me: Why not go straight to the source, and simply ask the readers themselves? Which is exactly what I’m doing now.

Tango readers: When it comes to the subjects of polyamory and swinging and open relationships, what are you honestly, truly most curious about? Do you want to know more about the rules and boundaries Carrie and I have developed for our own sex lives? Do you want to learn about how and why we decided to open up our relationship in the first place? Do you want to know what our friends and families have to say about our situation? Do you want to read more about our plans for the future, like our upcoming “UnWedding,” or the possibility that we may one day add a permanent third person to our relationship?

Seriously: If there’s something specific you’re curious about, let me know. You can add your question to the comments section at the end of this post, or you can write to me privately by sending an email to the following address: eldridge@ymail.com.

By the way, I’m planning to spend the next few weeks away from this column. I’ll be traveling in the Philippines to research a guidebook for another publisher, but once I’ve collected a decent number of your questions, I’ll sit down with Carrie, and we’ll both answer the very best of them together.

‘Til next time…

–
Dan Eldridge is the author of Moon Handbooks Pittsburgh (Avalon Travel), and the founding editor of Young Pioneers magazine. His work has appeared in Paste, the Houston Chronicle, Miami Herald, Huffington Post, and many other publications. He’s currently researching the next edition of Lonely Planet’s Philippines guide in Manila. To learn more, visit Dan online at www.PioneerContent.com.

Carrie and I hadn’t even been on the highway for an hour when the fighting started. We were in my little Honda Civic hatchback, puttering along I-76 East, en route to Baltimore. She’d been giving me a stone-faced version of the silent treatment, and even though I’d tried everything to get her to open up – begging, pleading, cajoling – I wasn’t having any luck whatsoever. Occasionally I would get a sarcastic comment in response, or a mean-spirited laugh.

I almost blame myself for what happened at the rest stop. I was opening the Honda’s hatch to look for a sweater, and as I leaned deep inside the car, Carrie caught a quick glimpse of my boxers – specifically the elastic waistband that was peeking out from underneath my jeans.

She told me later that the underwear was what really set her off. It was underwear we’d gone shopping for a week or so earlier, and I’d only worn it once or twice before. When she noticed I was wearing it, as opposed to one of the stretched-out, ripped up pairs I’d been wearing almost every day for years, that was apparently all the evidence she needed.

Once we were back on the highway, she told me that as far as she was concerned, the fact that I was wearing new underwear was a clear and obvious sign that I planned on having sex with my friend Nancy later on that evening.

I rolled my eyes, and let out a long, exaggerated sigh, as if to suggest that Carrie was being completely insane. But of course she was right: I was planning on having sex with Nancy, and I figured a fresh pair of underwear wouldn’t be the worst place to start. How incredibly wrong I was.

This is the first conversation I can remember having about my aversion to marriage: I’m in high school - either eleventh or twelfth grade, I can’t remember which - and I’m in the laundry room in the basement of my house, talking with my mother.

She’s folding something. Brown bath towels, I think. Anyway, the two of us are chatting amicably, as we often do while she’s making her daily housekeeping rounds, and somehow we end up on the topic of marriage. “I am absolutely never going to get married,” I tell her. “I can’t even imagine why I would want to.”

I’m not sure if my mom looks me square in the eyes at this point in the story, or if she focuses on the laundry and gives the brown towel a good shake. But I do remember what she says. She says, “You’ll change your mind.” She says, “At some point, you’ll start to think about it differently.”

If you really want to understand this story, however, it’s critical to also understand the tone of voice my mother uses while delivering that prediction. She doesn’t say it with the condescending tone parents often use while discussing grown-up topics with teenagers. She simply… says it.

It’s almost as if she’s empathizing with me - maybe because she knows exactly how I feel. Maybe she’s felt the same way herself at some point in the past? Or maybe it’s simpler than that - maybe she can hear the sincerity in my voice. Maybe the only reason she says what she does is because from her point of view, it’s the responsible thing to say – the parental thing. I don’t know.

What I do know is that for as long as I can remember, I’ve had a philosophical aversion to the concept of traditional marriage. It has always seemed so wrongheaded to me.

But when I think about the way my mind worked 15 years ago, back when I was still in high school and not yet on anti-anxiety meds, I realize that it probably wasn’t so much the actual concept of marriage itself that rubbed me the wrong way. Rather, it was the style in which so many American couples practice their marriages: with constant arguments, with disdain and loathing, and with cheating and lies.

And do you know what? I’m now smack-dab in my mid-thirties, and I still feel exactly the same way.